Ahhh the joys of waiting

That is being said with the greatest of sarcasm. I decided to go back through my waiting blog to see what I had to say at this point in pregnancy and I am glad to say that it is very similar to what I am dealing with now so at least I know that things are similar enough that I shouldnt be freaked out. I still haven't decided about trying to get in sooner. I just go back and forth about wanting to see the baby now and waiting though I totally expect all is well. So its just now the wait game and decide which way I want to deal with it. Ah well 10 more days either way.

Sickies!

Not the m/s kind either. I have a sinus infection and am just bleck. Hopefully it will pass soon, I am miserable. Lots of congestion and plain ole run down. Other than that all is pregnancy normal. I keep battling with myself about waiting to the 20th but sure am trying its not that far away LOL less than two weeks now so I keep trying to hold out. We will see though if I manage to make it or go in sooner.

Hormones!

UGH is about all I can say. I am having a seriously grouchy day and that is probably putting it mildly. I am frustrated with everyone and just plain annoyed. So much so that I don't want anyone around me, kids, Craig, no one! Everyone has done everything possible to push my buttons and then don't have a clue why I am so mad. I swear! I know a lot of this is probably hormones as I usually have these type of swings in early pregnancy I just hate the lack of control with them and of course there is nothing I can do or that can be done but try to hold my breath and wait for it to pass. I have to work tomorrow night, maybe that will bode well since I will have a bit of time away. Deep breaths!

busy week

I have had a crazy week, worked two days that I wasn't scheduled for. Boy has is my body revolting by the end of the day, its not like when I started working and my feet were dying. Its my back and ribs that hurt now. It just starts to ache and hurt by the end of the day. Other than that things seem to be ok. I am having that early achey stretchy feeling and it actually is starting to get uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach which is shocking I never have problems this early with that. A bit crazy. Just counting down until my next appt 18 days to go. Prayerful for good news. God has been so good to us that I have nothing but calmness right now. I keep thinking about the words from the song Breath of Heaven the chorus is
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
It gives me such peace.

Sunday, Sunday

I love church! I love our new church home it is so wonderful and I am so thankful to have found a place to feel so at home at. I had said I would still baptize whatever baby's we have in the Methodist church but I don't think that we will do that. I still have to talk to Craig and we have plenty of time to decide the dedication service after our baby is born isn't until Oct 23rd so we have plenty of time to decide since we don't baptize them until they are four mos old anyhow which would mean Thanksgiving time. I am only torn because I love the individualness of the baptism at St Pauls though I know its rare since many churches are to large to do one on whatever date the parents want, it has always been something we have had with St Pauls. However the ceremony and blessings were so awesome at our church that it feels right, its hard though because this will be the first baby that we haven't baptized which means that all the others will have baptism pictures in the same dress etc, though I suppose we could still do pics in the dress/outfit either way. Anyhow I know I am ahead of myself but it's just another thing that I have been thinking about since we are in a new church family. I am doing well baby wise. Nauseous etc so all that is well. No more spotting and all seems calm. I feel good about things and did until the gush but I firmly believe that we are meant to bring this baby home. I haven't had any bad feelings this time which I have had with my m/c's and Hope. I am often praying that God gives me the guidance and opens my heart to hear him in regards to this so there are no surprises but I believe that this baby is meant to be a live baby coming home to live with our family. Continuing to keep the faith.

Appointment today

Well all things considering it went well. They did an ultrasound and at first she couldnt see anything but after checking a few things the tech was able to find a gestational sac that measured 5.1 weeks so a day or two ahead of what I am. She also found fluid on the uterus which would account for the gush. I saw Dr M and she asked me what I thought and I told her until the gush I had felt confident that all was well and we would be bringing home a baby with us alive. She said that was good enough for her. She asked if I was on progesterone which I am and I told her baby aspirin as well. She said it sounds like I am doing everything that I should be and offered rhogham which I agreed was the best idea since if its blood and it crosses the sac it can kill the baby. We also decided to check beta and progesterone. She said as a general rule the progesterone level has been a better indicator of a successful pregnancy then beta. So I went down for the labs and they were supposed to call me as soon as they got them but Dr Dean didn't call. I finally threw in the towel and called him about 8:30 he called me right back and told me the beta was 2800 and progesterone 30.2. My expectations were 1400 and 22 so they exceeded what I was hoping for. Dr Dean wants me to come in later this week but Dr M said I could wait until the 20th. Right now I am leaning towards waiting until the 20th unless something else happens. So please keep praying that our little one continues to grow.

Well

I am not sure how this is going to go. I was sitting down on my laptop last night and all of a sudden I felt very wet, ran to the bathroom and my pj bottoms were soaked in a brown discharge when I wiped I got a ton and when I got in the tub it was enough still to be in the bathtub. I am not sure what it means and I am trying to be hopeful but its hard when you see it knowing generally it isn't a good sign. I am supposed to work tomorrow and Saturday I am calling off for both days. I am not going to go to work in the middle of miscarrying, no job is worth that to me. If they let me go then we will make it. God is our ultimate provider and I know it will be well. I will call my dr's office tomorrow morning and go from there. It's all in his hands in the end. I am prayerful that this pregnancy will continue. Though scared.

John 14:14

If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. What a powerful message. God is so good and his blessings abound. I am so excited about being pregnant. I can't wait for my first ob and scan to see our little one. I just have such a great feeling about this pregnancy and am so happy to have my OB practice for my care. I have so many wonderful friends praying for us and this blessing and I am so thankful for all of them. I can't wait to be able to share with everyone the wonderful news but that is in time. Looking foward to the coming mos. LOL though I keep thinking UGH July! LOL but thats ok I love summer and its not a bad time to have a baby either:) I did have an interesting experience today that reminded me that even with this new blessing on board, I still desperately miss Hope. We were at a birthday function and I heard my MIL talking to my SIL's friend about their upcoming baby in May which is only two mos sooner than I am due and ti was still difficult to hear. I know I am pregnant but losing Hope was such a major thing that happened to us that I realize its still so on the surface of my emotions and feelings. I think its going to be an emotion filled pregnancy. Not that I should expect anything less but it definitely made me realize it even more.

Officially missed my period

Well its official! AF is a no show, not that I didn't expect it since well I have taken a million positive tests. I took the last of the two I have, I know crazy woman. I am so excited, I went to the dr today because I have been having some female issues and we wanted to rule out the usual suspects yeast and UTI, both so far are negative so he said just likely to be early pregnancy female issues, yay me! So my first appt is officially scheduled for Dec 20th the day before our 19th anniversary. I am so excited for it to come. So last official test pics, 14 dpo

13 dpo

My tests are still good, getting stronger so thats a good sign. I am having nausea and a gagging with eating so this could be a fun one. But it's all good, I don't care if I am sicker than a dog as long as we bring home a live, healthy baby. Its all good for sure! I will be calling tomorrow to set up my first appt and ask a couple questions about the back pain I have been having and possible yeast infection. It seems pretty normal at this point. Other than darker tests then with Hope. More test pics of course because I am a POS addict.

OK OK giving in today is 12 dpo

Well by the rules anyhow. I am shocked at how dark the test is today, I think it compares easily to my tests with Hope at 14 or 15 dpo. I am truly going WOAH! I know it may not mean anything but I generally don't test so dark so fast. I will call Friday and schedule my appointment for the eighth week so probably the day before or the day of our 19th anniversary. I am praying that, that turns out to be a wonderful anniversary gift for us. Here is the test from this afternoon.

little update

Darker test this afternoon. still light but definitely darker than this morning.

12 dpo on my book anyhow

So day 12 and I woke up this morning to a bfp. Yep it was positive, now to just watch for it to get darker though I totally expect it will. I have a good feeling about this and all I can do now is put it in God's hands, in the end he is the one who this all belongs too. My baby, my fears and my anxiety. So friends pray for me

11 dpo

Yeah, yeah still waiting, no real encouragment but I have a hard time having much lately. Everyone seems to be pregnant but me. Of course thats how it works though and I am working through all of it, no idea how but I will get through it, but I will.

6 dpo

How do we survive all of this waiting seriously? It is such a battle trying to conceive but one that many of us wage in hopes of being blessed. So 8 more days until AF should be here and 6 more till I can technically test. I am not sure if I will test early this month I say this and always seem to cave but who knows this has been such a rollercoaster month. Working helps but I have to tell you I am getting a little blah with that too. I have so much to do at home that work feels like its interfering and of course to some extent well it is. Praying that it's this month otherwise going to my niece Amanda's wedding starts to get called in to question and not sure if we will be able too, because getting pregnant anytime in the next three months Dec, Jan and Feb kinda nixes the Alaska trip but we won't wait either we both just want to be pg and blessed again.

Letter to Hope- 3 months now

Dear Hope,
Its so hard to believe its been three months since we found out that God called you home and you were gone. Sometimes it feels like an eternity and other days it feels like it was yesterday. I miss you so much my sweet baby girl. You looked like your sisters and I was so excited to see what you would look like. I am sure you would have had dark hair and hazel eyes like Jacob and Evan and well of course your daddy. I couldn't wait to have you here with us and to watch you grow. Instead we mourn your loss. I know that God is taking such good care of you and loving you while I can't. I know he chose me to mother you and I was your perfect mother even if it was for a short time. I am thankful that you grew in me sweet baby girl and you will never be forgotten. Always in my heart, now and forever always.

Love mommy

I believe in miracles

It has been all I have thought today. Our God is an awesome God and there is no question of his power. After my discouragement last night I decided to take an OPK anyhow call it habit, well much to my shock ok not really because the u/s results weren't totally making sense, anyhow I got a :) I was so excited!!!!! Then I got a postive on the clearplan monitor today. I knew it!!!!! I am actually ovulating and on day 14-15 earlier than last month!!!! I do believe in miracles, I do, I do! Here I was told not to hold my breath about ovulating today or tomorrow and look what is happening! I am just in awe, I had been having symptoms of ovulation but thought surely they are right after all they can SEE what is going on. Well apparently not everything because God is definitely in this! Feeling so blessed and praying that this is yet another sign that this might be the month for us to be blessed again. God our father thank you so much for your blessings and steadfast love. AMEN:)

What to say

I guess I should start with I feel so tested right now. I had a "bad" appointment today and according to u/s results I am still some time away from ovulating. Now honestly this is not abnormal for me per se its only day 13 and I often ovulate as late as days 19-21 on clomid but I was really hopeful since I responded so well when I got pregnant with Hope. I was so hopeful that it would be a nice response but again I know that it isn't abnormal but I am still sad. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and bring home a baby. Every day that passes the clock ticks closer to when she would have come home live with us. My heart is heavy and I am trying so hard to cast it off on God but the devil keeps getting in the way. Pray dear friends pray. Pray that things move swiftly and it's not a lost cycle, pray that we do conceive as soon as possible and pray most of all for peace of heart for me. The pain will never go away but it does ease slowly. I am missing her so much today as I go through this when I should be pregnant.

One more person

If one more person tells me guess what I am pregnant I am going to scream. I swear I have been through this before when ttc but obviously not like this and its just not the easiest thing to go through. Of course I am happy for them because I view every baby as a blessing but seriously??? I am trying so hard to take a breath with it all and know God has his perfect timing but sometimes it just well SUCKS!!! Follicle check on Thursday no clue what that will bring. I have a feeling we will be upping the clomid next month I am not responding as well I should be and that is frustrating. Though I have to say my wonderful husband is still a rock and I am so blessed to have him right now, he is my greatest cheerleader and I am so thankful for him

Halloween

It was a great Halloween overall, the kids had a great time. I enjoyed it even in the midst of what I should be enjoying. I did well in the big picture. The only slight meltdown I had was when I started to think about how well the jacket I was wearing fit me. It shouldnt have fit me at all, I should have been enjoying a nice round belly with a baby kicking in it. I fortunately managed to talk myself down fairly fast which was a blessing, I really had the potential of going south really fast. I hate this so much, I want to still be pregnant and doing what I should instead of trying to figure out how to get through the day without missing her so much that my heart feels like it will break in a million pieces. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I know it will happen again just hoping soon.

Why?

Why do I torture myself? I am sitting here fighting the urge to figure out how pregnant I should be right now. Why do I want to know? I have no idea. I mean it serves no good that I can think of, other than to hurt myself all over. I still can't believe that this has happened some days. Today is one of them. I want so much to move forward but its so hard when I miss her so much. I realized that there isnt a week that passes that I still don't cry for her. I wanted her so much, I was so excited to have her coming. Now its still just emptiness and sadness and some days its so much worse than others. I am sure my period is a lot of this right now but darn it, if I could turn back time and just treasure her more, well I don't think I could, I was so excited about her coming. Another day over and another one forward

CD 3

Yep I knew it was coming and this time it was actually a little more tolerable. Not that I will ever be ok with it happening, I obviously rather be pregnant but what choice do I have? I am as usual hopeful that this will be the month! So thoughts and prayers and here we go again.

changes

Well I am finding another purpose. God is moving in me. I know what I need to do. I am changing the name of my blog to beyond Hope. Not in the sense that I am beyond hope but the sense that there is something past this pain and there will be for others. After the pain things change and we move forward, we (those who have had losses) can never get over the loss of a child but there is still something beyond the pain. In my case there is something beyond Hope that is waiting for me and in all situations a future to live. There is a lot more that I am aiming to do but right now their just ideas and I know that there is so much more that I have to figure out to do what I feel like I am being called to do. God is so good and right now I am praying that God shows me the way.

Circling

Isn't it funny how things seem to come back around at us? I just ran out and was able to catch the end of focus on the family and it was the one with Angie and Todd Smith. If you don't know their story he is a a member of the group Selah and they found at their anatomy u/s that their baby girl had serious birth defects and missing organs. They chose not to terminate and to carry Audrey to term. What a heart wrenching decision to choose to make and how brave they were do it. Anyhow as I was listening to their story and was so touched by it I went on my grief and loss board to find out that one of the ladies on there who had made the decision welcomed their still born daughter Bree this week. Her heartstopped beating a couple days before she was born still. I wanted to share with her Angie and Todd's story so she knew she wasnt alone and as I started trying to find more information to send her I found Angie's blog which once the pieces fell in to place I realized it was the same blog I myself had read probably shortly before I found out I was pregnant with Hope. I read a bit more of it and realized that I had indeed been reading Angie's blog and the pieces fell in to place. I, again am reminded of how awesome our God is to put things like this together in such a beautiful tapestry so that not only can we be helped but we can help eachother. Please keep Bree's family in your prayers as they mourn the loss of their precious baby girl who is now with her heavenly father. Angie's blog button has now joined the loss buttons along the side. She and Todd are truly and inspiration to follow. I know I have been inspired and I think I have things to come in the wings.....

Discouraged

So where do I start? I guess with the negative test today. It really upset me though I knew that there was a good chance that it would happen but it still it's an emotional thing when all I want to be is pregnant and trying to move forward with having another baby. It weighed all day on my mind. I obsessed from googling when does implantation occur, to checking out the clearplan monitor again, to checking when period calculators say my period should be here. Then getting upset that the negative probably is a negative, getting hopeful that maybe I took a test to early, to getting sad that here we go again on to another trying month. I ended up getting called in to work and on the way to work while driving I started to get really upset and ended up having to stop and throw it at God. My knees hit the floor while driving( well not literally but you know what I mean) and I gave it all to God, my fears, my sadness, my anger, my frustration and said God take this from me I can't keep doing this alone, help me to get through this because I need your help. I kept driving towards work and in distance I saw what looked like a a rainbow in the clouds. it wasn't a full rainbow but I could see the hues in the clouds. Then I lost site of it and kept driving and wondering if I was really seeing what I thought I was, a couple other times I saw it as well. I finally was almost to work and in the distance on the horizon I could see the full spectrum of rainbow colors in the clouds. I fought back tears, there was my rainbow, and God was again speaking so clearly to me. Have peace and faith your rainbow is on the horizon. In case you didn't know baby's that come after a loss are often referred to as rainbow baby's. So I don't know when but I know it will come, we will be blessed with our rainbow baby.

So therapy

So I started therapy, this was week two. One of the things that has weighed on my mind is what to do when I get pregnant again. I just dont even know how to deal with it. I mean I will be excited but I am terrified. My safety net has been pulled out from under me with the loss of Hope. Where do I go from here? I have been working on how to deal when I am pregnant again. Two things that have come to mind to help me. First is that Craig is going to have to attend appts with me for a LONG time. Second is the schedule for appointments. The other thing that I struggle with is sharing the news. For me now there is no good period to do it. We shared in a normal time and we lost her after. Af is due Saturday and well I just don't know. Last month I was sure that I wasn't this month I want to be hopeful but I am afraid to be. What a rollercoaster.

7 or 8 dpo

Depends on how you count it. I ususally count it right from the first day since I seem to ovulate the same day that I get the positive and I am pretty sure I ovulated early on Sunday as I was so close to a positive last Saturday. I dont know if its a go this month or not. I don't feel like it is but who knows. I am preparing for it to be negative and preparing to deal with it again. Two of my dear friends who are ttc both got AF this month and a new friend got BFP which I feel like it puts me out. However I know that even though its only 20% chance each cycle I can't help but think those aren't horrible odds. I mean 1 in 5 is that really all that bad? I don't think it is really LOL I am always looking for a silver lining though. Anyhow I am thinking I will test Thursday and see what happens. Hopeful and prayerful that it is this month. I just don't like the whole process and honestly it brings me one month closer to Hopes due date and that is a whole emotional can of worms in itself.

Wasn't posting today

I hadn't planned on posting today but opened my blog anyhow and when I saw my Bible verse I decided I should. The verse was; Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1 (KJV). This is also the verse that remains in my signature. I had also been listening to With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman at the time. Little angel message. Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant loss remeberance day. We will be lighting a candle from 7-8pm in honor not only of Hope and angles of ours that went before her. I am 5dpo today and no real clue as to what this month will bring. It's hard to even began to judge at this point but we will take whatever comes. Praying for a positive but well it will be what it will be. Please remember all baby's lost to soon tomorrow and light a candle in honor of them.

Working my way back

Last week was a very difficult week, there is just way around that. I cried often and it was just hard. I am not sure what brought everything on, maybe the anniversary, maybe the clomid but the pain was so fresh and I just missed Hope so much. She is offically home with us and that is another milstone passed. Still hurting but trying to move forward. I have an appt with a therapist on Tuesday and I am 1 dpo yeah its early but obviously time will tell. Prayers are greatly appreciated. I will work on posting more often again. Blessings to all

The Call

The call came today. Hope's remains are at the cemetery. We go Saturday to get them. I am just so sad all over again. I am working on finding someone to talk to, to help me deal with this. I am still waiting to ovulate and honestly that isn't helping either, its just an ugly circle. I am praying that I ovulate soon it feels like it adds to all of this. I just feel so lost and wish the pain wasn't so hard. I don't know how to get through this. I guess day to day but its so hard to wake up to the freshness every morning and feel it until sleep comes at night.

Emotional mess!

I wish I understood or knew why. I suppose I could chalk it up to clomid but I don't know. I am having crazy spotting which just upsets me more, because then my mind goes to what if I don't ovulate this month etc which honestly is fairly irrational since I respond well to clomid. I just think that the knowledge that her ashes could be ready any day and I should be very pregnant now are getting to me. I hate this backslide right now, I was doing so well but I just can't control it and need to get through it. I keep crying and that hasnt happened since the first few weeks after losing her. I just want the pain to go away again. I want to be pregnant and enjoying a growing belly now not trying to get pregnant. My heart is aching and I am alone in it. I don't think anyone would understand why I am struggling now and think its silly or stupid. Pain and sadness are so hard to deal with. I miss my baby.

Blah

I am having one of those days, they seem to be creeping up a lot more right now and I am not sure why. I supposed it really is simple, I miss my baby something terrible right now. I should be nice and pregnant with a beatuiful round belly and feeling my sweet baby girl kicking in my stomach. As I shop for Elliana and Isabella I should be shopping for our new baby girl as well. Instead I am waiting for a bracelet to come in the mail to wear in her memory and a cemetary to call to tell me her ashes are ready. It just isn't fair! As I tell my kids though life isn't fair and what can we do about it? NOTHING! So I just pray that things will get better and my heart won't hurt so much and that we will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next time.

5 wks today

It is hard to believe its five weeks today since my procedure that took my lifeless sweet baby from my body. I think that I tend to forget these days are coming and then something comes up and I get reminded like a cold rain that my sweet baby girl is gone and I am left starting over. I think that this one is probably one of the harder weeks because I am just finishing my period and it is another stark reminder that I don't have my baby growing inside me and I am empty. I just pray that we are blessed again soon each day that passes is starting ot be a bit of a struggle again and I hate this pain. I just want a full uterus again and to smell a fresh new baby's head, my new baby's head. Just hope it's soon.

CD4

5 technically as it is after midnight but well whatever right? Rough day today, I was really missing Hope today, I am sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that we were at a funeral for Craig's great Aunt Lillian she wasn't that old only 73 and at the end of the graveside service we were all given carnations to place on the casket I ended up with a pink one and had to trade my niece for her yellow one, the pink one was just too much for me to do. On the way home I thought about the weekend, I would have been 25 wks tomorrow, I only know because of my cousins wedding, I had time and time again figured out how pregnant I would be when she got married and how exciting it would be, so then the funeral slammed it all back in my face. just making me so much more touched by losing Hope than I had been for a couple weeks. Add my period and clomid in the mix and lets just say not the best emotional day to have had. I was thinking about something the other day regarding the day Hope died and something came to me, I will share in another post but I found it really intresting/ironic etc..

Blah blah grumble

Well it looks like AF is on her way. Negative test and spot was here this morning. I pretty much knew but still a bit bummed. Wouldnt it have been beautiful to get pregnant without even getting my first period? I think it would but well obviously God has his plan too:) So what is the real bummer about this besides not being pregnant? Craig and I are going away tonight, first night in over a year and I am on my period. So here we go again CD1

Pretty sure

I am pretty sure that AF is on her way. Just have that feeling. I dont know mixed feelings always as it would have been nice to actually just get pregnant but well it rarely goes that way does it? If I am not then clomid starts this cycle and I keep reminding myself that ovulation again isn't that far away. Always looking for the good in it right? Otherwise you go nuts concentrating on the bad. I will test on Friday and if it's negative pretty much expect that its a no go and stop the prometrium. Or well if AF visits sooner. Hopefully soon but well hopefully really soon.

3 dpo

I am 3dpo now so its a just wait and see. Starting my progesterone today and we will see where things stand in a couple weeks. I have been having many more better days which is a blessing, I am no longer in the daily agonizing emotional pain. Just taking it one step at a time.

Poem for Hope

empty tummy
broken heart
it feels some days like my world is torn apart
twelve weeks I knew you
how the how the time flew
and in a blink your angel wings grew
It seems so hard believe in such a short time we fell in love
but you were truly a blessing from above
We loved you from the very start
and you hold a special place in our heart
You were our child that we wanted so much
and now one that only our hearts can touch
We will see you in heaven some day
but for now its here with a sad heart we must stay
We love you sweet baby girl
You will be forever missed by your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters.
We can't wait to meet you in heaven Hope. We know your with your loved ones who came before you and those that will come after you too.
Love mommy

smiley face=ovulation

Well I am ovulating, I got pg with Evan first time out so who knows. I will not be surprised if I don't but what a blessing it would be for sure. We will see though and I am ok with whatever happens. At least I know in 14-16 days my period will start or I will get a positive pregnancy test. Both things I can live with. I debated doing it now but we bd'd yesterday so really its already there and we don't use protection anyhow. Honestly I don't know that I would have abstained either way so only time will tell. It's in God's hands. I feel good about the time frame too I have had 4 plus weeks for my lining to build and I have been medicating all this time too so all good things. Here we go again on the ttc roller coaster. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

Funky Friday and maybe a reason

Today was a strange day I was doing ok overall but something kept bringing me back to talking about baby Hope today. Couldnt figure out why she was just on my mind a lot. I started the spring/winter turn over and it slapped me in the face the drawer I have been avoiding hoping that I could wait as long as possible is going to have to be cleaned out. It's the drawer with all my maternity clothing I had bought for the fall and winter. I can't do it. I just can't do it. I am going to have to have someone do it for me and not while I am home, I didnt think it would bother me so much but it does. Thursday came a reason. I had to take Jacob to the see the allergist at the same place that the infectious disease specialist office is. Dr K Jacob's dr happened to be in the waiting room and I snagged him and asked if I could talk to him in the hall, I think I probably scared him at first. I told him we had lost the baby at 16.3 wks and that she had died around the time Jacob was dx'd with adenovirus and was it possible that, that is why she died. He said most definitely. I talked to the allergist about it as well and he backed what Dr K had said so though we wont ever know for sure it seems plausible that, that is what caused her death. I guess the good thing is, its kind of a perfect storm situation and isn't likely to repeat itself. I am still waiting for my period to start and its driving me nuts, hopefully soon.

One of those days

I had a tough day today. I am finding that I have a tough time in larger social groups its been something I have struggled with since losing the baby. It just is a tough thing for me. Today I decided I would be starting back to my moms group. I had stopped going last year with Craig being home I didnt need to get out for the adult socialization like I did before. I got up got dressed and in the car and the doubt started. Stopped for mcdees full of doubt. Started driving and doubt was there still. I was listening to my Christian radio station and they hosts started talking about God and how he loves us and is there when we are in pain, , how even when were in so much pain God is there even though its at those times we tend to feel it the least and how we love our children as parents and how God loves us so much as our heavenly father. I kept driving with tears in my eyes....I still was doubtful but kept going. I was about 10 mins away from Church when they played a song called Hope by newsboys and I thought WOW God is talking to me, I mean our baby's name and what I am trying so desperately to have. Right after that came before the morning plays, here are the words

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

God speaks in so many ways and when we just don't expect it and when we need it the most.

words

empty tummy
broken heart
it feels some days like my world is torn apart
twelve weeks I knew you
how the how the time flew
and in a blink your angel wings grew
It seems so hard believe in such a short time we fell in love
but you were truly a blessing from above
We loved you from the very start
and you hold a special place in our heart
You were our child that we wanted so much


to be cont........

one month

Yesterday marked a month since we got the news that our baby girl was gone. I was doing ok yesterday but today has been rough. I have nothing to remember her by other than my dreams for her and of her and its hard not to have something of substance to remember her by. I wish there weren't set backs its hard. I do ok for days and then its a set back. Its so frustrating though I know normal. I just wish this was a dream and I could wake up from this horrible nightmare and it would all be fine and she would be growing and kicking in my stomach. Instead I am waiting for my period to start and feeling empty. Its so hard to explain its like each day is a shell of a day waiting for it to feel better. Living is just an existence, I know at some point it will feel like it's fulfilling again but for now it just is.

mixed bag today

I had my follow up with my ob/gyn today. I was not expecting results back from the genetic testing but they were back. So he went over them and my heart broke in a million pieces again. What I have said before was confirmed. Our sweet baby was a girl and she was healthy. I can't even began to express what a mixed bag that it was to find out that we had a healthy baby that had no reason to die. I have spent the better part of the day crying, I wasn't prepared to hear the news so it was a jolt. Even though I knew she was healthy. My two thoughts all along was if it was a boy and/or something was wrong I would have been shocked. Where do we go from here? Well we work on healing our hearts. I would have been 20 wks today. She would have been moving inside me and I would have been enjoying this special time. Instead we have to work on conceiving again. Fortunately my ob office is truly the best and I am so thankful to have them for doctors. They are being very proactive with not only getting me pregnant asap but following us more closely not that they can control another loss but at least I will feel better. So clomid as soon as I get a period, if I havent had one by the 8 wk point they will give me progesterone to start it. Then prometrium and baby aspirin once I ovulate. If I am not pg in two cycles then I go in for a cyst check. I am just praying that this happens fast and we bring a live baby home with us.

anxiety

I have had a really good few days but as the day draws to an end and I know that my morning is starting with another follow up appt my anxiety is increasing. I am pretty frustrated by it but there isn't much I can do. I know its going to be hard again another lost milestone met with another start over appointment. The hurt wells up and I know its to be expected but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I preferred the healing and dulling sadness to this.

healing

Today was another good day. I am thankful for them for sure but in their own way they are difficult. I know healing doesnt mean forgetting but in a strange way it feels like it does in some way. The pain isn't so awful now and though I still have things that make it rough its not that overwhelming pain that I had when we first found out and the week after. I know it's ok but it doesnt feel ok. I don't know its a strange spot to be in. I also decided on a boys name today, funny how these things pop up. It, like Hope isnt one I would never chose but its one that is approiate. Jude it means Praise and Thanks and though we would never choose this we still give Praise and thanks for all that God gives us even this brief time with our angel.

not such a bad day

Today has actually been pretty good. I still can't look at pregnant women I turn my eyes away as fast as I can. Its just easier for me, my heart aches when I see one. My belly should be swollen and I should be feeling my angel now. Its a hard pill to swallow. The pain isnt as sharp today which is good. I like good days. I am working on school work and bracing myself for the fourth chapter, the one I am dreading. Its on fetal development from conception to birth. I am just obviously not looking forward to it. So if your reading today pray for me. I don't expect it to be an easy chapter. I miss my baby and I should be reading it smiling that wow that is where my sweet baby is and in awe of her growth instead of dreading it because of the pain its sure to bring. Pray, pray, pray!

3 wks

Its been 3 wks today since I found out that we lost our baby. It's actually been a good day overall. Not to many tears and its been surprisingly decent. I am going out tonight with some friends and those situations always make me nervous still. I rely so much on Craig lately to help me through these things and tonight I am doing it alone. Hopefully it will go ok. We also received the invitation for the memorial in October for the baby's lost this year. We asked for the invite but I don't know that we will go, I am not sure if I can face it yet but we have until almost the end of Sept to send our response card in. It was hard to read the invitation. One day at at time right

My Birthday

Today is my 39th birthday. Honestly it hasn't been much of a celebration in my eyes. I have spent a lot of the day emotional which I wasn't sure honestly what today would bring. I thought it might be ok at times and at times I thought it might be much like it has been. I was supposed to be celebrating knowing what our baby's gender was. I imagined maybe doing a little baby shopping and sharing in the joy of a growing belly and purchases to come. Instead when Craig asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told him the necklace that I have been looking at as a memorial necklace. There is just something so wrong about this all. I know 39 isn't that old and its somewhat a norm for women now days to still be having babies but I was so excited that I would be half way through my pregnancy and be giving birth in a few short mos just over the 39 mark. Now it will be much closer to 40 or over 40 when our newest one is born its just not how I ever imagined it to be. I ache for this loss and try to remember that I am overall healthy so theres no reason to think that this is a huge thing. I just pray it happens fast and I can hopefully do this still under 40 even if its just barely.

Normal....

Well I have decided that there are four words that I truly hate. Two are expletives one is a derogatory comment and the last is NORMAL. For many that is a great word, when you get results from that biopsy and your afraid that its the worst news and it turns out to be the best word. However in the case of a situation where you desperately want some answers as to why something happened and are hoping that its one thing and well its normal. I know this will be far worse if the baby comes back as normal as well especially under the circumstances because that means we will never have an answer as to why we lost our sweet baby and that thought is just painful. So on to some good news if there is any in this my body has returned to well "normal". They didn't have to do any scraping with the procedure so that is a blessing and hopefully bodes well for future pregnancies. We don't have to wait to ttc again. We got the all clear from the MFM to start trying as soon as I get a period. So that's it, one more bridged crossed on the road to finding a new normal....

Follow up is tomorrow

My follow up is tomorrow and I just don't know how its going to go. I mean I do in the big picture but I am not looking forward to it emotionally. You never do though I mean really. Follow up to surgery for your baby dying because thats always going to be an appt you want to attend. All I can do is pray and give it to God that he will give me peace and carry us through this time that is still full of turmoil and in the end will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and live baby in the end.

Why?

Why do other people feel that they can dictate your grieving time? I have been dealing with other issues besides my grieving which has kept me in my bedroom. I would be out more if I could sit down for more time. Apparently my mother told Craig that in two more weeks she isn't going to allow me to stay in my bedroom. Seriously? Because she has the right to dictate that? UGH!! I am just flustered my staying in my room has nothing to do with losing the baby. It has to do with my physical abilities. Then she was talking about not doing both lunch and a movie tomorrow and I told her no that we were doing both still. My true thought is I just want it over with and don't want to stretch it out any longer its a miserable thought for me as it is so I want it over with. Why would I prolong it.

I knew I forgot something..meltdown

I seem to be having a lot more lately I have read/heard its because the hormones are still not sure what they should be doing regardless of the fact that my hcg is low enough or gone and I got a neg pregnancy test. I see that as good but well you know just another piece of the sadness. Anyhow I have said in a couple other threads that this isn't a good week for me. My post procedure appt is on Tuesday and that was the day we were supposed to find out what the gender of our baby was. Fortunately if there is anything good out of this, my follow up is with the specialist and not at my regular ob office so that will help a bit. Then I will see my reg gyn the follow Tuesday at their office. I requested an gyn slot so I wouldnt have to deal with seeing to many pregnant women. Well my birthday is Wednesday and I am so frustrated with everyone. My mom and my MIL are taking me out on Monday for lunch and a movie, I do not want to go at all but my husband is pressuring me because he feels it would be good for me to get out and they are only trying to help. Then were on the way to the viewing last night for my uncle and she says to Craig well we thought we would do lunch and a movie on Monday, so that would keep Kim's birthday free and then maybe you could do date night on Thursday. So what does she think we should do for my birthday? Craig and I would normally just go out and keep it low key, I dont even want that this year. Yet everyone is planning this week for me like its nothing and no one is understanding that I feel so overwhelmed with this week coming and the fact that I had two milestones in the next two weeks, finding out what my baby was and the half way point of my pregnancy. Instead I am sitting here with an empty uterus and a broken heart and they all think that everything should just be ok this week while I want to scream just leave me alone and let me miss my baby. I was trying to explain this to a friend and the tears started falling right in the middle of Grondins. Fortunately it was empty but for the boys and I and the girls up there know me we have been going there since we moved up here. I hung up the phone and they asked what was wrong and I told them. They were all really great and supportive its just still hard to keep moving on. I did really well until one of them asked how soon we would try again and I was explaining that our plan is first cycle but if it happened before then, then we would take whatever and one piped up and said I think that I might have just done that. REALLY??? Is this the time to pipe up with that?? UGH! I ignored her and kept on with our conversation. I just dont understand why people dont think before opening their mouths. Prayers for the week ahead are greatly appreciated and needed.

Today

Well today was my Aunt's husband funeral. It was a nice service but I have to say I am so glad to have it over with. This has been one of the most difficult times to go through. So much loss in such a short time. We didn't go to the luncheon today I couldnt do it. One of my aunt's grandchildren is pregnant and not just a little but hugely pregnant and I couldnt sit there and deal with seeing her hugely swollen belly knowing that her baby was alive and moving in her but mine is in a cold lab dead. I avoid looking at pregnant women in stores because I can glance away. I am doing a bit better today even with the situation at the funeral it was a tolerable day. We went to church this evening and it was long overdue. One day at a time.

Rough day

One step forward and two back. I am having a really difficult day and I don't know why. I just feel very sad today and can't shake it. Craig is working at his parents and I am home today with the kids. All normal things but just sad today. I was getting some change out of my change area of my pocket book and I found a piece of a pregnancy test wrapper from when I tested and tested and tested when I first found out I was pg. I just started crying. Something so small can cause such distress. I am supposed to be almost half way through my pregnancy instead I am waiting for a new one to began and I just miss my baby. Nothing can make this better right now and I just wish I could wake up from this and find that it was just a dream and not this miserable daily existence I am living.

Negative test

I decided to see where things were beta wise, I knew it would be tough, positive test would mean that my body still had enough hcg in it to be picked up and the thought just was hard knowing I was no longer pregnant and my baby was no longer where they belonged. Negative meant it was truly over my body was void of anything that went along with being pregnant still, however at least negative meant the beginning of starting over so I was relieved to take it and have it come back negative. Its so difficult and today is just a bad day. I am not sure why but a lot of tears and sadness today Even talking about things isn't helping today and I hope its only a small bump in the road. I don't like feeling like this but I do understand that its ok to feel this way and its all a part of mourning our loss. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Rough day

My uncle's funeral service was this morning. Overall I did ok I was really sad for my mom and her family. My poor aunt has had so much on her plate losing her brother and husband within days of eachother. I was doing ok until the luncheon but then got so frustrated my uncle's great-grandson was just having a bad moment and his mother was just standing there ignoring him smoking a cigarette. Then my cousin came out and told her just leave him they had pictures to take and to go so the poor kid just fell apart I went and gave him a hug and held him for a minute and he calmed right down. It just made me sad to see a child suffering from the death of someone they loved and get no comfort. I have had one of those days with my emotions. I was looking at clothes and saw a sweet baby outfit and just cried I was so sad thinking that I wont have a baby to wear it with my girls. I wish this wasn't happening I feel so empty and each day is just another day to get through.

Survived another day

Well I overdid it and ended up bleeding a bit heavier then I have since the first day but it seems to have subsided pretty quickly. Tonight was the viewing for my Uncle George, lots of tears, my family knew about us losing the baby so there was a lot of crying over my angel as well as for my uncle. It was good to be able to talk about our loss and our pain and have family there to understand and I can honestly say that it was really strange to see such an outpouring of love and support from my mom's family considering the craziness that happened the last time we were all together. It really put them all in a different light and reminded me that when the chips are down, family really can be a blessing.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. I truly appreciate it when God speaks to me so clearly it really does help to know I am not alone. Craig broke down for the first time tonight. I was in a way relieved. He has been so awesome and supportive to me but I hadn't seen him show any emotions himself since we found out and I knew he cared and I knew he was struggling, he has been snappy with the kids and that is a tell tale sign that he is not ok. We have been talking a lot the last couple days about the future and about our very missed angel. I asked him yesterday if he could call my grandma and let her know that we lost the baby because well I just can't its still to painful to say the words and I just wasn't up to making that phone call. We were on the way to meet friends for dinner an early celebration of my birthday and he just started to tear up, I said whats wrong and he said just give him a minute he collected himself and said he just can't say the words out loud, its to hard for him to say them, I knew exactly how he felt, saying the words out loud just makes it all real. Writing them is much easier then having to force them out of your mouth the sound of them is agony upon your heart because well it makes it all so real and final, our baby is gone, we will never meet him or her until we go home to be with God. Yes what a beautiful thing it will be to meet our sweet baby but we rather have him or her in our arms here on earth with us. We will always miss you our sweet loved baby.

Sunday Blessing

I made it through another night without needing a sleeping pill, it took awhile and it was hard to settle down but I did it. I am now 5 days post surgery and my milk hasn't come in. This truly is a blessing, my heart ached with the thought of my milk coming in with no sweet baby there to nurse at my breast. The bleeding has pretty much stopped so now to just wait for my body to reset itself and to work towards the goal of conceiving again. I know the months to come are going to be trying, and I am working on dealing with that and honestly the best I can ask for is not to have an empty womb by the time we reach our much missed baby's arrival date. I was so excited about the baby having such a cool birthday and now it has turned in to just another milestone of healing. I have been doing something each day so I am not hermiting myself though I know it is ok to do that too. I just seem to do better if I go somewhere or do something. I am working on finding something to wear I think I have picked out a couple pieces one a necklace with a forget me not and the other is a pendant that I can put some of the baby's ashes in so she/he will always be close to my heart.

I will carry you

♥I WILL CARRY YOU♥

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you"

♥song copyright ANGIE SMITH and SELAH, 2008
Words copied with Angie's permission.♥
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/slideshow.html

Another day

Well today has been decent. I don't know if I should feel guilty when a good day comes along I definitely feel mixed about them. Craig and I had to do couple errands today and stopped for lunch it was a decent lunch and we were able to talk about everything. One thing I am finding that I am becoming very dependant on Craig and that concerns me because I worry about how I am going to do when he goes back to work so I am really working at using him when I need him but understanding that he has to be gone from me and I need to start to work at accepting that fact. I still can't believe how dependant I am on him now. I get anxious when were apart for long. We talked about how each day that passes is a day closer to trying again and I need to concentrate on each step in the process, appts etc being a step closer to trying again. Right now I am suffering in this horrible limbo where I dont have answers, my body isn't pregnant anymore and I can't do anything to change that right now its a terrible state to be in. Craig also suggested that I make a goal a day to complete which I think is probably a good idea that way I have something to concentrate on daily. Getting out the last couple days has been a good thing, I am still crying daily I just can't help it but at least I am starting to feel like I am not just living to get through every minute its now more like every morning,afternoon and evening. I just want the pain to ease

Having a rough day

I don't know why today is hard but it just a rough one. I haven't felt happy at all today. Try but just can't get there so I expect that this is just going to be a sad one and I am trying to just push through it. I am doing a favor for a dear friend from our old church tomorrow and though today it feels like an overwhelming process to put the smiley face on and go I know that working on some normalcy is better then sitting here and feeling sad all day, at least it will break up the time and be one day closer to moving forward. Right now it feels like I am stuck at a stand still there is no forwards or backwards. Backwards at least would have me sitting in bliss with a baby growing in my stomach. Now is a just another day full of pain. Forward is hopefully healing and a new blessing. For now its just hurt.

Backing up

I want it all here our baby had value and even as we heal I want to remember that we lost a precious life. Our baby deserves this much. Adding my fb note of the surgery etc.....

I will start by saying that for the last two weeks I had, had a feeling that something wasn't right. It started with a panic attack two weeks ago Sunday and I just had that feeling something was wrong. Fast fwd to Friday. I went in Friday for a routine 16 wks ob appt. I was 16 wks and 3 days. The nurse did the usuals and took out the doppler out and started to try to find a heartbeat. She couldn't so she said I will just leave it here and let the dr try. He came in, we discussed how things were going and tried to get the heart beat after trying for several minutes he got out the u/s machine and confirmed what I had known deep in my heart our baby's heart was not beating. He said he wanted to confirm it for sure on the main u/s machine so they took me in and confirmed again that the baby had no heartbeat. After measuring the baby it was determined that the baby had died exactly two weeks before at 14 wks 3 days. My heart sank. I was taken back to the same room where my doctor came in and we discussed options. Option one be induced which he said would likely be fairly fast since my body has done labor a few times but it would be painful etc. Option two let the baby come on its own so we could have time to grieve and say goodbye to our baby the problem with this option was it could take up to a month for my body to let go of our angel and infection could develop. Option number three and the one we chose was to have a d&e. Apparently I am to far along for a d&c and there are only two doctors out of Beaumont that do it. He said they used to have to call a dr in from Huetzel to do it. The problem with it at that point was it was late Friday and they doubted that they would be able to reach them in time to get me in on Friday. So he sent me home with the instructions not to eat after midnight on Sunday and they would call me to let me know whether it would be Monday or Tuesday because sometimes the doctor likes to meet with you. My office called me Monday morning and gave me the number to the specialist so I called and within a half hour they called back and said to go ahead and eat that the d&e was being scheduled for Tuesday morning and I needed to go in at 3 for Laminaria insertion. Its basically sticks of seaweed that are inserted in to the cervix and as they expand they expand the cervix to help dilate it. We went in and met with the dr first who was very good about answering our questions and explaining the risks I did discuss with him what would be the best for us and he said the d&e for sure. He said that an induction could go on for days and put a lot of stress on the uterus. I went and emptied my bladder and he inserted the sticks the first wasn't horrible but by the time he got to the 4th it hurt quite a bit, apparently he tried a fifth and took it out I am not sure why though but he decided that was enough. We had discussed using cyotec in the morning originally and he said he didn't think it was a good idea however after checking my cervix he decided to go ahead and give it to me with the instructions to take it at 5 am. Apparently my cervix was nice and firm still, good news my body apparently likes to stay pregnant as long as it should bad news in the case it isnt beneficial for me. We came home and I ate some dinner and tried a bath and ended up feeling terrible. Room spinning, woozy and in pain. Followed by spotting and some just plain ole funky feeling. I spent the evening laying down and just trying to take it easy by 11 I was starting to have quite a bit of pain so I took a tylenol 3 and went to sleep. I was woke out of my sleep around 3:30 in a lot of pain and suspected that I wouldn't make it to the 8:30 scheduled time. I managed to breath through enough of the pain to fall asleep until the 5 am cyotec dose. I managed to dose for about 20 mins and woke up in a lot more pain then even at 3:30 I got up and went and got in the tub I really needed to at least wash my hair. I sat down and started bleeding so I finished washing and went and woke Craig up and told him we had to go. I got dressed and blew my hair dry while my Craig got my mom up and then I sat on the couch breathing through the pain. We left for the hospital about 6 it was a very painful drive I was contracting the entire way down to the hospital sometimes as close as 2 mins apart. My mom dropped us at the door and I walked upstairs. I am stubborn. I felt several gushes of fluid which turned out to be blood. We got up and I said I was scheduled at 8:30 but the pain was to bad and we came early. They got me back within 10 mins and went through all the information and got my iv in. Anne my nurse was just awesome she was a blessing as was everyone on this awful day. She said she would get the Anesthesiologist in to get me some pain meds asap. We went to the bathroom right when she told me the Anesthesiologist was on the floor because once she gave me something I wouldn't be able to get up and I am not a big bed pan fan we went and I emptied my bladder and anesthesiologist came in and we went over my history and that I would be under general which was a little nerve wrecking as I had never had a general etc. Anne was able to start giving me dilauded for the pain which most of the time was helpful and the Beaumont has a bereavement and grief counseling program in place for mid to late losses along with it a cremation program for second trimester through full term babies. Once they finish with all the testing on our baby she or he will be cremated they generally place the babies in a special section at a cemetery down the street from the hospital. I want our babys ashes so we will call at the beginning of the month and make arrangements to get the baby's ashes and bring him or her home. They hold a special memorial service in Oct that we will likely attend too. The grief counselor also stopped and discussed our loss, talked to Craig and I about it and how to help the kids deal with it and gave us several resources to read and refer too. The contractions got bad again and I asked for more dilauded. They gave me some more and started to prep me for surgery. The Dr's assistant came in and talked to us and I told her how scared I was of the procedure and how afraid I was of losing my uterus. She was really awesome and reassuring. I got the anti nausea stuff and another dose of pain meds. Dr Valahos came in and talked to us for a few minutes and said he had found out that there was a cremation program etc he didn't know that said he had always signed the paper as part of the paper work and never paid attention to it. I told him we knew and had already signed it so we were good to go with that. He asked about the pain etc I said I had been up most of the night and was bleeding some, he said good, not good but good it meant that things would be easier for the procedure. He left and I was wheeled in to the OR about 10 mins after my scheduled time. She put the mask over my face and it had oxygen to start and then it smelled funny she said start taking deep breaths and that was the last thing I remember. I woke up in the recovery room and the first thing I did was check the time knowing that if things had gone bad it would be a lot later in the day and it wasn't then I felt my stomach for incisions and was relieved that all was normal. My throat hurt quite a bit and she gave me some pain meds. We left the hospital at 3 something got my meds came home and I slept for the rest of the afternoon and some of the evening. I was pretty groggy and tired but its all done with and its time to mourn and heal physically and emotionally. I also need to add some serious beaumont thanks... Thank you to Anne for taking such great care of me. To Glorious Gloria who was nothing but the sweetest thing in the world to me from the time she called with my surgery time. She stopped in the room to check on me and hold my hand and cry with me again. I had a wonderful surgery team and I am so thankful that Beaumont has the bereavement program in place it was very difficult knowing that our baby would be thrown out as medical waste. I cried when she told me they did it. Truly a blessing and thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so loving to us during this difficult time. Continue to pray for us and hold us in your thoughts. We will need you all so much in the days and weeks to come and we love you all. Lastly this is something that has been on SPALS( subsequent pregnancy after loss) so I thought I would share. It really is a great reference
10 things not to say to a bereaved parent
When your child dies, people are often at a loss of what to say. I know that people don't mean to be cruel or thoughtless but many times, their comments just add to your pain. Remarkably, there is no statute of limitations on 'stupid' comments and 6 years later, we still hear them, although not as frequently. So to help the well meaning, here are 10 things not to say to a bereaved parent:

"He's with God now/he's in a better place." Maybe. But we want our children here with us. Call us selfish.
"You're young - you can have more kids." Well, maybe yes maybe no. But one child does not replace another. We want the child we just lost, not a different one.
"I know how you feel." (often followed by "I lost my mother/uncle/dog") Unless you lost a child you don't know how we feel. Losing a parent (or pet) is NOT like losing a child.

"I wanted to come by/call but it was too hard." I'm sure it was. But it was hard for us too.

"It will get better with time." Not really. As time goes by you realize more and more that death is forever and you will NEVER see/hug/kiss/talk to your child again or in the case of pregnancy loss meet that precious life that you were looking so forward to joining your family. That doesn't make it better.
"Aren't you over it yet?" You NEVER get over the loss of your child. NEVER. Full stop.

"This must be so hard for your wife." Men are often shafted in the grief department. Guess what? Men love their children too. I've seen fathers fall to pieces while their wives "seemed" to be handling it.

"You're so strong/I could never go through what you're going through." Well, nobody gave us a choice and there aren't any other options.

"At least you have other kids." See #2. One child is not a substitute for another. We are thankful for the children we still have but it doesn't diminish the loss of our child to be

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, this is not necessarily true. Many people collapse under the weight of a tragedy. Secondly, we are not more special than anyone else, didn't sign up for this, didn't ask for it.

So what should you do? Listen. Mention our children by name. Just because they're gone doesn't mean we don't think about them or want to talk about them. Understand that grief is a lifelong journey with ups and downs - today we might be fine; tomorrow getting out of bed is a chore. There is no rhyme or reason to this. Understand when something is too hard for us. It's not that we're not happy that your child is celebrating, it just reminds us that our child never will. Call. But don't be angry if we can't answer the phone and talk.
And if you do say something that might be insensitive (we all do it, including bereaved parents themselves), apologize. It goes a long way

MELTDOWN

So today was going shockingly well. I didn't have one total breakdown until this evening. Yesterday while at the hospital I mentioned how fearful I was of my milk coming in. Craig and my mom started joking about it and I was very hurt by what they said. Today I started to think about how much it bothered me and that I really should say something about it to Craig instead of letting it build. I tried and I tried but couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. We went out to get a couple more prescriptions(feeling like a druggy) and grabbed dinner on the way home I kept thinking I should say something, then we were on the main road back to our house and we passed where we almost hit the deers a couple months back and then my mind went to how much easier it would be if I hit deer now and died. Of course I realized it wouldnt be for the kids and my family but then I wouldnt have to deal with all of this pain and I would be at peace instead of living with all of this and I wouldnt have to go through all of this grief. Now I know how irrational it is but for a second it was a peaceful solution.

Really

So I got up prepared to hopefully have the d&e today but bracing myself that I wouldn't so I wasn't horribly shocked when I got the news that it wouldnt be until tomorrow however I was less then thrilled when I was told that I would have to go in this afternoon to have laminaria inserted and then be sent home to wait the night out and go in the morning. After doing some research I have to say that I am not even remotely thrilled with this idea. Some had a little uncomfortableness while eithers complained about it being excruciating. Frankly, neither sounds great and all I can think is really, havent I been through enough? I mean come on how much more am I expected to take right now? I am just so defeated and feeling so overwhelmed with all of this and it just keeps getting worse. Please pray for me that this isn't as bad as I have read and I get through this and the evening without it being horrible. I am so afraid of going in to labor too. I am just overwhelmed.

Thoughts

Amazing what things go through your mind when you are waiting for your sweet much wanted and anticipated baby to be taken from your body. One of the things I have been working on is what to do to remember my angel. I hid away all the reminders on my computer last night so they wouldnt be in my face but felt guilty about that and it's not fair for me to sweep this under the rug. This was my baby with all his little fingers and toes after all. So I have made a few decisions. One is I am going to get a little box of some sort to put my u/s pictures in and a copy of each of the pictures I took of each 4 wks that have passed since I found out I was pregnant. I hadnt bought anything except two sets of binkies so I will add the set for whatever the baby turns out to be. I have also decided that if there is any way we can get the baby's remains I want them to be creamated so we can decide what to do with our angel. I am going to order a treasure bean http://www.treasurebeans.com/ to keep with me and I might even order one for Andrew, Evan, Jacob and possibly Avery. I also want a piece of jewlery that I can always wear I havent decided what I want but I have started to look. I will always have Hope that we will get through this and be blessed with another baby. I bought a little willow tree piece when I found out I was pg with Elliana and it is something I hold strongly too. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

day 2

Yesterday was a bit rough at times. I think the hardest part right now is waiting for the surgery and the fear of the unknown. I just want this all over so we can move on from here. Last night I dreamt this was all a mistake that they thought I was going to lose the baby but it turns out that it was just a mistake. Funny how our subconscious fights for what we want even when it isn't going to happen. Right now I am just dealing. I forced myself to get dressed and come out with the kids. I think its important for me and for them. I am sure the day of the surgery I am just going to want to stay in my bedroom and rest and well cry. Right now I struggle knowing that I am carrying our dead baby, our perfectly formed with all their little fingers and toes baby. I am struggling with not understanding why this didn't happen 8 wks ago when it was a blob. I could have coped then, I expected it then. I didnt expect to see our baby not moving with no heart beat on the screen. All I can do right now is concentrate on grieving. I have been working on what to do. I cant just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. We had a baby a real baby, a baby I should be starting to feel move in the next week and I need to do something to remember our angel he or she deserves it and so do the rest of us. I really think its a girl if so I am going to name her Hope. Hope for the future, Hope that we will blessed with a healthy baby and delivery next time and Hope for healing. I just want to get through this pain and get through the time when my uterus is empty again and my body is going through it all. Oh yeah and I have read a few ladies say that their milk came in. I am terrified of this. I can't even imagine how hard that is going to be having my milk come knowing there isnt a baby to relieve it.

Well here we go again

It's been 24 hrs since I found out that our precious baby's heart has stopped beating. I have been going through a gamet of emotions. Sadness, not understanding, understanding. I have had a feeling for the last couple weeks that our baby was gone so I was somewhat prepared but to actually be sitting here knowing that it is, well thats an entirely different thing. I have never had a second trimester loss and am at a loss as to why now? I know this is going to be a long wait until I get pregnant again and of course a long pregnancy as I can't imagine how difficult the subsequent pregnancy will be between worrying about whether this will happen again or simply worrying that I will not get pregnant again. As many of my dear friends have struggled I also struggle now with allowing the next pregnancy to be the last. I don't think I can do this again. I do know though that I can't end it here not with this late loss. I was so excited about this baby and was looking forward to having a new baby in the house. I can't imagine closing our family this way. I think I will use this blog still as a starting over point. Updating what the plan is, what the dr says, what my heart says and go from there. Thank you for your continued thoughts and support as we deal with this very difficult loss.

So I am an addict....

Yes I admit it I need POS rehab. I mean really how many tests does one person need to take? I mean shouldn't one be enough? NAH..... I won't share how many I have taken because it just starts to get scary and well then I have to admit Have a problem and all that goes with that; the not buying tests, the not peeing on the stick ya know. Anyhow seems everything is going well. I still worry because that is what we do for sure through the first trimester. The tests are nice and dark so that bodes well and just going to ride the waiting rollercoaster until my first appt and hopefully that goes perfectly.

POS addict and more

Ok so.. I forgot how addicting it is to pee on that stick and see those two lines come up. I won't share out of embarrasement how many tests I have taken I mean after all I am posting some so it is somewhat obvious but I will let your mind wander as to whether there are more. Oh and Yes, yes it is all coming back to me now. I so am not fond of the first trimester. I forgot how moody and mean I get and how often I just am intolerant of everyone and everything. Not my favorite time in that sense, I feel so bad for my poor kids living with dr jekell and mr hyde. Nausea is still here LOL well it should be anyhow so it is what it is. I am ok accept eating and then it really so far is more of a ok time to stop eating this just isnt sitting right. Not bad in the tired department which is good but we will see how that is in a week or so. Ummm losing weight right now but no biggie I have plenty to lose. Other then that, just waiting for that first ob appt.

small update

Dr called and I am to stay on the progesterone through the first trimester. So just riding the chugging along train. I will try to do pictures of tests and LOL me at 4 wks. I am going to try to do every 4 wks to start and then every couple towards the end though well facts are facts and right now I just look fat:)

14dpo

Took two more tests this morning and still positive. I am feeling pretty good about things. I called the OB office this morning and they called me back. No betas, I am waiting to hear whether he wants me to do progesterone the first tri or not. I have my first appt scheduled for June 14th with the other Dr. D who is truly my favorite dr. Definitely naueseous. I am so excited and nervous and well all those things that go along with doing this again. God is good and I will continue to give him the glory for this blessing as well as pray that all goes well and we have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I will try to get test pics posted later today. Silly blog uploader hasnt been working.

Evening update

I took two tests this afternoon both positive so I am feeling much better. Add all the lovely nausea and feeling pretty good about it LOL even if I am not feeling good in general. So I will test tomorrow and call the OB in the morning for progesterone and see if they want my blood or not.

13 dpo

Crappy test this morning with the clearblue early. So of course now you know I will be off to get more tests. What's a girl to do? LOL I suppose go to the dr and get a beta but I really don't want to go through that. I will take a test again today with a different brand and go from there, I do hate this. I suppose the good is I still feel good about this time, the bad is I think it will be a lot harder if this goes wrong. So here we go again on this roller coaster ride

12 DPO BFP

Well much to my surprise I got a BFP this afternoon. I am a bit shocked to say the least since I thought no way was this the month after the horrible CM etc. I caved and tested today because the dr gave me a script for a med that I wasn't sure if it was safe to take in pregnancy. So I figured I would test and see what the results were and go from there regarding taking the med. So I tested and got a BFP, checked the med and found out it was a class C so nope, none of that med. Hopefully I will feel better soon. A friend suggested extra strength mucinex so that is what I will do along with the inhaler etc which is safe. So far I feel good about this. For the most part I seem to have an idea from early on whether it's a keeper or not and so far I haven't been wrong. Praying so very hard that this is it and all will go perfectly.

Mother's Day 11 dpo

Can you believe I have made it through the day without testing? A miracle for sure! In my little mind I was going through the usual well wouldn't it be perfect to find out on Mother's day? How exciting that would be. Then my real brain kicked in and said first dummy it would totally ruin it for you if the test was negative. Second you said you were waiting till Tuesday it's two more days man up and deal with it. So that is what I am doing. Two days won't kill me and on Tuesday when the test is negative I can just not take the prometrium that night and wait for AF to show. LOL Perfect. Well all in all its been a great mothers day I have been blessed and had a great day so what more could I really ask for today? BFP? Sure that would be totally awesome but frankly its been a wonderful day even without one.

yucky

Having a yucky day. Some nausea and a headache today. I refuse to read anything in to anything at this point. To many months of disappointment for me to read anything more in to it. Expecting to test next Tuesday and go from there. I have the clomid here ready to go. So just waiting. LOL story of my life right now. Wait to ovulate, wait to test, wait for af. UGH

waiting, wonderful, whiney

LOL about sums it up, its that kind of a Sunday. We had a great day at church but again I am not convinced that its where we belong. Though I do really like the church and find it doctrinally sound one thing they do not do is communion. IMO it's important and its something that I think should be partaken in the Christian church. So I need to talk to the pastor about that and go from there. Though DD#1 has already said she wants to be confirmed so we need to figure out where to do that and what direction to go in. If we really want to stay with Joey's church we will likely have her take confirmation through the UMC in town. If we decide to go to one of the two Lutheran churches I want to try then it won't matter. I just keep praying that God leads me in the right direction and weighs on my heart the way to go. I feel like I can't quite find what I want and wonder if my standards are to high. It's tough to figure all this out and to know what to trust. Lastly I am having serious hormone swings its crazy LOL its going to be a long trying 10 more days. This is definitely trying and I pray that God blesses us this month. Waiting, waiting, waiting.......

2 DPO

Psalms 118:14 (KJV)The LORD is my strength and song, and he has become my salvation. can we get an AMEN! What a neat verse and so true and I love that its Psalm 118. I think its fast becoming one of my favorite psalms besides 100 and 127. I am dealing with the crazies of prometrium again, boy does that stuff kick my butt, no other way to put it. It throws me in to a truly drugged state LOL I think maybe this stuff should be a pain killer it's quite the interesting drug. Though I know it doesnt cause this much problem for most but it sends me in to the land of the doped for a couple hours. Hence why I take it at night. So some goals in the two week wait. Number 1 hahahaha is to wait to test until the day I am due for my period. Second goal to work on getting the house clean and organized and be a better coridinator of all. Third is to keep up with our schedules better. So there is my two week wait goal list to keep me busy. LOL only 12 days to go

Not feeling it

Well I am not feeling like this is the month. I had horrible quality cm and wouldn't have even expected ovulation this week based on my normal symptoms vs what I had but I was pretty sure I was. Not anything I can do about it but wait and see and hope I am wrong. I start progesterone tomorrow I definitely ovulated sometime between yesterday evening and this afternoon. Took care of business properly and I guess time will tell I am officically in the countdown to test 14 days away. I am not sure if I will test before my period is due or not. LOL Of course I say that and well you know how that works out don't you? The actual getting to that point just never works out that way. Its virtually impossible NOT to test early well I suppose its not totally impossible some women who are trying always manage to wait but hey if your obsessive like me, well ummm it doesn't work. So LOL for my small group who I share this with right now. Pray for me I mean I obviously really want a BFP just don't want to set myself up for another crappy outcome.....

YAY!!!

LOL I wish it was a positive pregnancy test YAY alas it isn't its a positive OPK YAY! Anyhow just awesomely excited I can not tell you the last time I ovulated so early in a cycle LOL if I ever did it was long before I started keeping track so this is really cool news. Had my yearly today it was fine. Didn't want to do a follicle check which was a surprise he is usually not this hands off but hey I am cool with it. I expect to ovulate no later than day 15 which is makes me mega happy I haven't had a chance to have this short of a legitimate cycle oh EVER! Please pray that this is it and its a nice sticky bfp at the end of this cycle I am so done with all the garbage. Game plan is one more cycle on clomid then he wants to do some follicle check cycles. He wants to do a SA as well if I am not by the next cycle and I am just not so sure about that. We wont do and IUI so even if the results came back bad all it would change is well nothing. At that point I wouldnt do any drugs other than progesterone because who knows when and if it would happen. So thats it. Pray for it to be it and for a nice bfp. I am sure I will have some tales to share during the two week wait. Oh my breasts are tender this time, thats new. Ok so here we go again. Come on O.....

Cd12

Tomorrow is Gyn day and I am getting closer to getting a positive on my opk so we will see what tomorrow brings. Lines are definitely getting darker so its a start. I am having that achey feeling going again so I am thinking probably by Friday on my own. I think I will get the first positive in the next day or two. I think Wednesday at the latest will be the first positive. Baby girl got moved out of the bedroom tonight and in to the big girls room. Should make this week easier and less inhibiting LOL nothing like having to spend time together with little miss in her crib right next to the bed. Busy week in general this week but I am committed to whatever it takes to get pregnant. I will update tomorrow as to what comes of the appt and the trigger shot. Still havent decided about that hmmmmmm guess tomorrow will be the deciding factor

Sigh

Well in good news my paper is done! I can relax in the big picture and am looking forward to some just plain ole relaxation. Well not totally since I have to clean house seriously but hey thats alright! So I wish I had something fun or witty to say but not today. I am just waiting to ovulate. I have a gyn appt on the 27th for my yearly so I will be curious to see where he goes. I am guessing he is going to do a u/s when he realizes where I am in my cycle and see where I am follicle wise. I am not sure about a trigger shot as the only two times I have had them I responded poorly to them. I didnt ovulate for several days after I should have. So not sure that is the way I want to go, I can decide that when I get there I suppose.

CD 10

Feeling really cranky today. Very crabby and flighty. Anyhow decided better take a step back and work on not saying anything before I think about I have been snappy several times today with a friend, don't know if she realized it or not, but I sure did. I really am hoping for a day 14 ovulation, not sure that is going to happen. Hey at least I know that I have been ovulating shortly after or around day 18 so either way shouldnt be to long. I will update when there is something to update. Staying pretty good about the met. I am considering trying the otc gummy prenates i am starting to have pill issues so I am thinking it might not be a bad idea. More to come soon LOL

Update to meltdown

First I might have another one with this stupid BLOG! Anyhow my mom told me what was going on. She apparently is going to Tennessee to help my uncle who is having surgery. I feel much better. I had a rotten moody day. It has passed and all is well in the land of craziness and clomid

Update to meltdown

Well so my mom talked. Apparently she is going to Tennessee to help my uncle. I feel better about it and all my upset was for nothing. Love clomid! Flipping mood swings. Anyhow I feel better and all is well in the land of craziness and clomid

Drugs or legit

Who knows! All I know is I am upset. I really am starting to think my mom is going to move. Yeah I know she is grown and has every right to move if that is what she wants to do. So why am I so upset? Well for one we are used to having her here. We come and go as we please but its been nice to know there is an adult in the house when we aren't here. Again fine we lived with it before and we will live with it if she leaves. I think my second issue the fact that we have painted, moved rooms etc because she IS here. If we knew she was planning on leaving we wouldnt have done some of the work we have done because we wouldn't leave the kids in the rooms their in. Third the water purifier we have, the HUGE cable bill oh just the little things that are what they are because she is here. I don't know I know it will be ok if she does move but I am just not ready for it yet. Ahhh what can I do? Craig says ask her but really so what? I mean she is grown, beyond grown so if she goes she goes. I just hate to turn everything back to normal and rearrange everything AGAIN to have her decide to come home. I am just out of sorts with it all. Can't decide if its the drugs or legitimate upset speaking. Ok done I have let it out, still don't feel any better but what can you do? NOTHING!

Cd 6

Ahhhh I so hate this part LOL I guess there are no good parts in the whole process accept maybe the bfp and what goes on from there. LOL so now I wait to O and this time is crazy, then the two week wait and that wait stinks LOL so no good times in the waiting:) Fortunately school is almost over, couldnt be better timing as I have to say that I am so done with this class and school for the year. I have a hard time concentrating on things and having school out of the way will help. So waiting for O.....

WOW Revelation

So I was saying my prayers last night as usual and was saying my usual prayer for a healthy pregnancy,baby and ending up with a baby or two;) in my arms. Well as I have said before I have struggled with the interventions of using clomid so its been one of those things that from time to time I question then it hit me last night when I was praying that it truly is God in control clomid or not he still controls whether that pregnancy will occur period! My thoughts and concerns about doing something like clomid really aren't founded totally as the fact still remains whether I use it or not a conception may not occur on it as well as off it so in the end HE is the one who is ultimately in charge no matter what. I feel much better about the whole situation. I mean I never felt horribly off as I am ovulating on my own I just really needed it to help with the LPD and strengthen ovulation. In the end I could take any number of medications but without God's hands in the whole success of it, it would not happen. He is awesome!

CD1

Well right on time CD1 is here. I was a little surprised because I thought I might have a few day delay with the higher amount of progesterone trying to sustain pregnancy but nope came this afternoon. I am relieved it happened so fast. I started clomid today in hopes of ovulating sooner. took it this evening as af started late this afternoon but starting tomorrow through the next 4 days of dosing I will take it in the afternoon. I prefer it then. So Met 500 3x a day and 50mgs clomid days 1-5 and hopefully I will ovulate a bit sooner then cd 20. Here we go again, hopefully for the last time this round.

CD1

What a relief no long wait and its here right on time. Today is the day it was due anyhow so I am glad that it came on time makes the wait less. Took first dose of clomid tonight and will move it down to taking it in the afternoon from here on out I wanted to try taking it days 1-5 after a bit of research we will essssssssssA

Update again

Got the call from Marci. Dr D approved the script so I am taking it days 1-5 50 mg. I am excited about having it earlier and hopefully this will shorten my cycle length and give a higher chance of a success. I am also working on taking my met more seriously and my prenates as well. All can only help. So now to just wait for my period to start. I think by Friday at the latest

negative beta

Is it terrible to say I am relieved? I am completely relieved. I know I was pregnant I have no doubt about that but the negative test makes it easier to move on then to have to go through garbage of doing more labs etc so honestly it's a relief to have that negative. At least I know I can stop the progesterone and get my period with no concerns over what I might have done. I know I did get pregnant so that is good too since I know it can happen, though not the end I would have wanted a baby in my arms is obivously what my preference would have been but to go through a true full blown miscarriage. I will take this experience over that any day. Now I am waiting for another call regarding getting a script and I am hoping that, that will happen easily this time. I really think it's needed and will only help the situation. Next if I get it then I will take it nice and early in hopes of bringing ovulation earlier in the cycle. Day 14 would be fabulous, also learned something from last month my body is naturally working as well since I ovulated on day 20 and that was with a very late clomid start. That is really an awesome thing it means my body is starting to behave a bit more. Also my lp extended well with the progesterone and pregnancy even with how brief it was. That bodes well for the next time that as long as the pregnancy is viable I have a good chance of a continuing pregnancy. So now to wait for cd 1. Here we go again.......