mixed bag today

I had my follow up with my ob/gyn today. I was not expecting results back from the genetic testing but they were back. So he went over them and my heart broke in a million pieces again. What I have said before was confirmed. Our sweet baby was a girl and she was healthy. I can't even began to express what a mixed bag that it was to find out that we had a healthy baby that had no reason to die. I have spent the better part of the day crying, I wasn't prepared to hear the news so it was a jolt. Even though I knew she was healthy. My two thoughts all along was if it was a boy and/or something was wrong I would have been shocked. Where do we go from here? Well we work on healing our hearts. I would have been 20 wks today. She would have been moving inside me and I would have been enjoying this special time. Instead we have to work on conceiving again. Fortunately my ob office is truly the best and I am so thankful to have them for doctors. They are being very proactive with not only getting me pregnant asap but following us more closely not that they can control another loss but at least I will feel better. So clomid as soon as I get a period, if I havent had one by the 8 wk point they will give me progesterone to start it. Then prometrium and baby aspirin once I ovulate. If I am not pg in two cycles then I go in for a cyst check. I am just praying that this happens fast and we bring a live baby home with us.

anxiety

I have had a really good few days but as the day draws to an end and I know that my morning is starting with another follow up appt my anxiety is increasing. I am pretty frustrated by it but there isn't much I can do. I know its going to be hard again another lost milestone met with another start over appointment. The hurt wells up and I know its to be expected but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I preferred the healing and dulling sadness to this.

healing

Today was another good day. I am thankful for them for sure but in their own way they are difficult. I know healing doesnt mean forgetting but in a strange way it feels like it does in some way. The pain isn't so awful now and though I still have things that make it rough its not that overwhelming pain that I had when we first found out and the week after. I know it's ok but it doesnt feel ok. I don't know its a strange spot to be in. I also decided on a boys name today, funny how these things pop up. It, like Hope isnt one I would never chose but its one that is approiate. Jude it means Praise and Thanks and though we would never choose this we still give Praise and thanks for all that God gives us even this brief time with our angel.

not such a bad day

Today has actually been pretty good. I still can't look at pregnant women I turn my eyes away as fast as I can. Its just easier for me, my heart aches when I see one. My belly should be swollen and I should be feeling my angel now. Its a hard pill to swallow. The pain isnt as sharp today which is good. I like good days. I am working on school work and bracing myself for the fourth chapter, the one I am dreading. Its on fetal development from conception to birth. I am just obviously not looking forward to it. So if your reading today pray for me. I don't expect it to be an easy chapter. I miss my baby and I should be reading it smiling that wow that is where my sweet baby is and in awe of her growth instead of dreading it because of the pain its sure to bring. Pray, pray, pray!

3 wks

Its been 3 wks today since I found out that we lost our baby. It's actually been a good day overall. Not to many tears and its been surprisingly decent. I am going out tonight with some friends and those situations always make me nervous still. I rely so much on Craig lately to help me through these things and tonight I am doing it alone. Hopefully it will go ok. We also received the invitation for the memorial in October for the baby's lost this year. We asked for the invite but I don't know that we will go, I am not sure if I can face it yet but we have until almost the end of Sept to send our response card in. It was hard to read the invitation. One day at at time right

My Birthday

Today is my 39th birthday. Honestly it hasn't been much of a celebration in my eyes. I have spent a lot of the day emotional which I wasn't sure honestly what today would bring. I thought it might be ok at times and at times I thought it might be much like it has been. I was supposed to be celebrating knowing what our baby's gender was. I imagined maybe doing a little baby shopping and sharing in the joy of a growing belly and purchases to come. Instead when Craig asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told him the necklace that I have been looking at as a memorial necklace. There is just something so wrong about this all. I know 39 isn't that old and its somewhat a norm for women now days to still be having babies but I was so excited that I would be half way through my pregnancy and be giving birth in a few short mos just over the 39 mark. Now it will be much closer to 40 or over 40 when our newest one is born its just not how I ever imagined it to be. I ache for this loss and try to remember that I am overall healthy so theres no reason to think that this is a huge thing. I just pray it happens fast and I can hopefully do this still under 40 even if its just barely.

Normal....

Well I have decided that there are four words that I truly hate. Two are expletives one is a derogatory comment and the last is NORMAL. For many that is a great word, when you get results from that biopsy and your afraid that its the worst news and it turns out to be the best word. However in the case of a situation where you desperately want some answers as to why something happened and are hoping that its one thing and well its normal. I know this will be far worse if the baby comes back as normal as well especially under the circumstances because that means we will never have an answer as to why we lost our sweet baby and that thought is just painful. So on to some good news if there is any in this my body has returned to well "normal". They didn't have to do any scraping with the procedure so that is a blessing and hopefully bodes well for future pregnancies. We don't have to wait to ttc again. We got the all clear from the MFM to start trying as soon as I get a period. So that's it, one more bridged crossed on the road to finding a new normal....

Follow up is tomorrow

My follow up is tomorrow and I just don't know how its going to go. I mean I do in the big picture but I am not looking forward to it emotionally. You never do though I mean really. Follow up to surgery for your baby dying because thats always going to be an appt you want to attend. All I can do is pray and give it to God that he will give me peace and carry us through this time that is still full of turmoil and in the end will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and live baby in the end.

Why?

Why do other people feel that they can dictate your grieving time? I have been dealing with other issues besides my grieving which has kept me in my bedroom. I would be out more if I could sit down for more time. Apparently my mother told Craig that in two more weeks she isn't going to allow me to stay in my bedroom. Seriously? Because she has the right to dictate that? UGH!! I am just flustered my staying in my room has nothing to do with losing the baby. It has to do with my physical abilities. Then she was talking about not doing both lunch and a movie tomorrow and I told her no that we were doing both still. My true thought is I just want it over with and don't want to stretch it out any longer its a miserable thought for me as it is so I want it over with. Why would I prolong it.

I knew I forgot something..meltdown

I seem to be having a lot more lately I have read/heard its because the hormones are still not sure what they should be doing regardless of the fact that my hcg is low enough or gone and I got a neg pregnancy test. I see that as good but well you know just another piece of the sadness. Anyhow I have said in a couple other threads that this isn't a good week for me. My post procedure appt is on Tuesday and that was the day we were supposed to find out what the gender of our baby was. Fortunately if there is anything good out of this, my follow up is with the specialist and not at my regular ob office so that will help a bit. Then I will see my reg gyn the follow Tuesday at their office. I requested an gyn slot so I wouldnt have to deal with seeing to many pregnant women. Well my birthday is Wednesday and I am so frustrated with everyone. My mom and my MIL are taking me out on Monday for lunch and a movie, I do not want to go at all but my husband is pressuring me because he feels it would be good for me to get out and they are only trying to help. Then were on the way to the viewing last night for my uncle and she says to Craig well we thought we would do lunch and a movie on Monday, so that would keep Kim's birthday free and then maybe you could do date night on Thursday. So what does she think we should do for my birthday? Craig and I would normally just go out and keep it low key, I dont even want that this year. Yet everyone is planning this week for me like its nothing and no one is understanding that I feel so overwhelmed with this week coming and the fact that I had two milestones in the next two weeks, finding out what my baby was and the half way point of my pregnancy. Instead I am sitting here with an empty uterus and a broken heart and they all think that everything should just be ok this week while I want to scream just leave me alone and let me miss my baby. I was trying to explain this to a friend and the tears started falling right in the middle of Grondins. Fortunately it was empty but for the boys and I and the girls up there know me we have been going there since we moved up here. I hung up the phone and they asked what was wrong and I told them. They were all really great and supportive its just still hard to keep moving on. I did really well until one of them asked how soon we would try again and I was explaining that our plan is first cycle but if it happened before then, then we would take whatever and one piped up and said I think that I might have just done that. REALLY??? Is this the time to pipe up with that?? UGH! I ignored her and kept on with our conversation. I just dont understand why people dont think before opening their mouths. Prayers for the week ahead are greatly appreciated and needed.

Today

Well today was my Aunt's husband funeral. It was a nice service but I have to say I am so glad to have it over with. This has been one of the most difficult times to go through. So much loss in such a short time. We didn't go to the luncheon today I couldnt do it. One of my aunt's grandchildren is pregnant and not just a little but hugely pregnant and I couldnt sit there and deal with seeing her hugely swollen belly knowing that her baby was alive and moving in her but mine is in a cold lab dead. I avoid looking at pregnant women in stores because I can glance away. I am doing a bit better today even with the situation at the funeral it was a tolerable day. We went to church this evening and it was long overdue. One day at a time.

Rough day

One step forward and two back. I am having a really difficult day and I don't know why. I just feel very sad today and can't shake it. Craig is working at his parents and I am home today with the kids. All normal things but just sad today. I was getting some change out of my change area of my pocket book and I found a piece of a pregnancy test wrapper from when I tested and tested and tested when I first found out I was pg. I just started crying. Something so small can cause such distress. I am supposed to be almost half way through my pregnancy instead I am waiting for a new one to began and I just miss my baby. Nothing can make this better right now and I just wish I could wake up from this and find that it was just a dream and not this miserable daily existence I am living.

Negative test

I decided to see where things were beta wise, I knew it would be tough, positive test would mean that my body still had enough hcg in it to be picked up and the thought just was hard knowing I was no longer pregnant and my baby was no longer where they belonged. Negative meant it was truly over my body was void of anything that went along with being pregnant still, however at least negative meant the beginning of starting over so I was relieved to take it and have it come back negative. Its so difficult and today is just a bad day. I am not sure why but a lot of tears and sadness today Even talking about things isn't helping today and I hope its only a small bump in the road. I don't like feeling like this but I do understand that its ok to feel this way and its all a part of mourning our loss. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Rough day

My uncle's funeral service was this morning. Overall I did ok I was really sad for my mom and her family. My poor aunt has had so much on her plate losing her brother and husband within days of eachother. I was doing ok until the luncheon but then got so frustrated my uncle's great-grandson was just having a bad moment and his mother was just standing there ignoring him smoking a cigarette. Then my cousin came out and told her just leave him they had pictures to take and to go so the poor kid just fell apart I went and gave him a hug and held him for a minute and he calmed right down. It just made me sad to see a child suffering from the death of someone they loved and get no comfort. I have had one of those days with my emotions. I was looking at clothes and saw a sweet baby outfit and just cried I was so sad thinking that I wont have a baby to wear it with my girls. I wish this wasn't happening I feel so empty and each day is just another day to get through.

Survived another day

Well I overdid it and ended up bleeding a bit heavier then I have since the first day but it seems to have subsided pretty quickly. Tonight was the viewing for my Uncle George, lots of tears, my family knew about us losing the baby so there was a lot of crying over my angel as well as for my uncle. It was good to be able to talk about our loss and our pain and have family there to understand and I can honestly say that it was really strange to see such an outpouring of love and support from my mom's family considering the craziness that happened the last time we were all together. It really put them all in a different light and reminded me that when the chips are down, family really can be a blessing.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. I truly appreciate it when God speaks to me so clearly it really does help to know I am not alone. Craig broke down for the first time tonight. I was in a way relieved. He has been so awesome and supportive to me but I hadn't seen him show any emotions himself since we found out and I knew he cared and I knew he was struggling, he has been snappy with the kids and that is a tell tale sign that he is not ok. We have been talking a lot the last couple days about the future and about our very missed angel. I asked him yesterday if he could call my grandma and let her know that we lost the baby because well I just can't its still to painful to say the words and I just wasn't up to making that phone call. We were on the way to meet friends for dinner an early celebration of my birthday and he just started to tear up, I said whats wrong and he said just give him a minute he collected himself and said he just can't say the words out loud, its to hard for him to say them, I knew exactly how he felt, saying the words out loud just makes it all real. Writing them is much easier then having to force them out of your mouth the sound of them is agony upon your heart because well it makes it all so real and final, our baby is gone, we will never meet him or her until we go home to be with God. Yes what a beautiful thing it will be to meet our sweet baby but we rather have him or her in our arms here on earth with us. We will always miss you our sweet loved baby.

Sunday Blessing

I made it through another night without needing a sleeping pill, it took awhile and it was hard to settle down but I did it. I am now 5 days post surgery and my milk hasn't come in. This truly is a blessing, my heart ached with the thought of my milk coming in with no sweet baby there to nurse at my breast. The bleeding has pretty much stopped so now to just wait for my body to reset itself and to work towards the goal of conceiving again. I know the months to come are going to be trying, and I am working on dealing with that and honestly the best I can ask for is not to have an empty womb by the time we reach our much missed baby's arrival date. I was so excited about the baby having such a cool birthday and now it has turned in to just another milestone of healing. I have been doing something each day so I am not hermiting myself though I know it is ok to do that too. I just seem to do better if I go somewhere or do something. I am working on finding something to wear I think I have picked out a couple pieces one a necklace with a forget me not and the other is a pendant that I can put some of the baby's ashes in so she/he will always be close to my heart.

I will carry you

♥I WILL CARRY YOU♥

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you"

♥song copyright ANGIE SMITH and SELAH, 2008
Words copied with Angie's permission.♥
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/slideshow.html

Another day

Well today has been decent. I don't know if I should feel guilty when a good day comes along I definitely feel mixed about them. Craig and I had to do couple errands today and stopped for lunch it was a decent lunch and we were able to talk about everything. One thing I am finding that I am becoming very dependant on Craig and that concerns me because I worry about how I am going to do when he goes back to work so I am really working at using him when I need him but understanding that he has to be gone from me and I need to start to work at accepting that fact. I still can't believe how dependant I am on him now. I get anxious when were apart for long. We talked about how each day that passes is a day closer to trying again and I need to concentrate on each step in the process, appts etc being a step closer to trying again. Right now I am suffering in this horrible limbo where I dont have answers, my body isn't pregnant anymore and I can't do anything to change that right now its a terrible state to be in. Craig also suggested that I make a goal a day to complete which I think is probably a good idea that way I have something to concentrate on daily. Getting out the last couple days has been a good thing, I am still crying daily I just can't help it but at least I am starting to feel like I am not just living to get through every minute its now more like every morning,afternoon and evening. I just want the pain to ease

Having a rough day

I don't know why today is hard but it just a rough one. I haven't felt happy at all today. Try but just can't get there so I expect that this is just going to be a sad one and I am trying to just push through it. I am doing a favor for a dear friend from our old church tomorrow and though today it feels like an overwhelming process to put the smiley face on and go I know that working on some normalcy is better then sitting here and feeling sad all day, at least it will break up the time and be one day closer to moving forward. Right now it feels like I am stuck at a stand still there is no forwards or backwards. Backwards at least would have me sitting in bliss with a baby growing in my stomach. Now is a just another day full of pain. Forward is hopefully healing and a new blessing. For now its just hurt.

Backing up

I want it all here our baby had value and even as we heal I want to remember that we lost a precious life. Our baby deserves this much. Adding my fb note of the surgery etc.....

I will start by saying that for the last two weeks I had, had a feeling that something wasn't right. It started with a panic attack two weeks ago Sunday and I just had that feeling something was wrong. Fast fwd to Friday. I went in Friday for a routine 16 wks ob appt. I was 16 wks and 3 days. The nurse did the usuals and took out the doppler out and started to try to find a heartbeat. She couldn't so she said I will just leave it here and let the dr try. He came in, we discussed how things were going and tried to get the heart beat after trying for several minutes he got out the u/s machine and confirmed what I had known deep in my heart our baby's heart was not beating. He said he wanted to confirm it for sure on the main u/s machine so they took me in and confirmed again that the baby had no heartbeat. After measuring the baby it was determined that the baby had died exactly two weeks before at 14 wks 3 days. My heart sank. I was taken back to the same room where my doctor came in and we discussed options. Option one be induced which he said would likely be fairly fast since my body has done labor a few times but it would be painful etc. Option two let the baby come on its own so we could have time to grieve and say goodbye to our baby the problem with this option was it could take up to a month for my body to let go of our angel and infection could develop. Option number three and the one we chose was to have a d&e. Apparently I am to far along for a d&c and there are only two doctors out of Beaumont that do it. He said they used to have to call a dr in from Huetzel to do it. The problem with it at that point was it was late Friday and they doubted that they would be able to reach them in time to get me in on Friday. So he sent me home with the instructions not to eat after midnight on Sunday and they would call me to let me know whether it would be Monday or Tuesday because sometimes the doctor likes to meet with you. My office called me Monday morning and gave me the number to the specialist so I called and within a half hour they called back and said to go ahead and eat that the d&e was being scheduled for Tuesday morning and I needed to go in at 3 for Laminaria insertion. Its basically sticks of seaweed that are inserted in to the cervix and as they expand they expand the cervix to help dilate it. We went in and met with the dr first who was very good about answering our questions and explaining the risks I did discuss with him what would be the best for us and he said the d&e for sure. He said that an induction could go on for days and put a lot of stress on the uterus. I went and emptied my bladder and he inserted the sticks the first wasn't horrible but by the time he got to the 4th it hurt quite a bit, apparently he tried a fifth and took it out I am not sure why though but he decided that was enough. We had discussed using cyotec in the morning originally and he said he didn't think it was a good idea however after checking my cervix he decided to go ahead and give it to me with the instructions to take it at 5 am. Apparently my cervix was nice and firm still, good news my body apparently likes to stay pregnant as long as it should bad news in the case it isnt beneficial for me. We came home and I ate some dinner and tried a bath and ended up feeling terrible. Room spinning, woozy and in pain. Followed by spotting and some just plain ole funky feeling. I spent the evening laying down and just trying to take it easy by 11 I was starting to have quite a bit of pain so I took a tylenol 3 and went to sleep. I was woke out of my sleep around 3:30 in a lot of pain and suspected that I wouldn't make it to the 8:30 scheduled time. I managed to breath through enough of the pain to fall asleep until the 5 am cyotec dose. I managed to dose for about 20 mins and woke up in a lot more pain then even at 3:30 I got up and went and got in the tub I really needed to at least wash my hair. I sat down and started bleeding so I finished washing and went and woke Craig up and told him we had to go. I got dressed and blew my hair dry while my Craig got my mom up and then I sat on the couch breathing through the pain. We left for the hospital about 6 it was a very painful drive I was contracting the entire way down to the hospital sometimes as close as 2 mins apart. My mom dropped us at the door and I walked upstairs. I am stubborn. I felt several gushes of fluid which turned out to be blood. We got up and I said I was scheduled at 8:30 but the pain was to bad and we came early. They got me back within 10 mins and went through all the information and got my iv in. Anne my nurse was just awesome she was a blessing as was everyone on this awful day. She said she would get the Anesthesiologist in to get me some pain meds asap. We went to the bathroom right when she told me the Anesthesiologist was on the floor because once she gave me something I wouldn't be able to get up and I am not a big bed pan fan we went and I emptied my bladder and anesthesiologist came in and we went over my history and that I would be under general which was a little nerve wrecking as I had never had a general etc. Anne was able to start giving me dilauded for the pain which most of the time was helpful and the Beaumont has a bereavement and grief counseling program in place for mid to late losses along with it a cremation program for second trimester through full term babies. Once they finish with all the testing on our baby she or he will be cremated they generally place the babies in a special section at a cemetery down the street from the hospital. I want our babys ashes so we will call at the beginning of the month and make arrangements to get the baby's ashes and bring him or her home. They hold a special memorial service in Oct that we will likely attend too. The grief counselor also stopped and discussed our loss, talked to Craig and I about it and how to help the kids deal with it and gave us several resources to read and refer too. The contractions got bad again and I asked for more dilauded. They gave me some more and started to prep me for surgery. The Dr's assistant came in and talked to us and I told her how scared I was of the procedure and how afraid I was of losing my uterus. She was really awesome and reassuring. I got the anti nausea stuff and another dose of pain meds. Dr Valahos came in and talked to us for a few minutes and said he had found out that there was a cremation program etc he didn't know that said he had always signed the paper as part of the paper work and never paid attention to it. I told him we knew and had already signed it so we were good to go with that. He asked about the pain etc I said I had been up most of the night and was bleeding some, he said good, not good but good it meant that things would be easier for the procedure. He left and I was wheeled in to the OR about 10 mins after my scheduled time. She put the mask over my face and it had oxygen to start and then it smelled funny she said start taking deep breaths and that was the last thing I remember. I woke up in the recovery room and the first thing I did was check the time knowing that if things had gone bad it would be a lot later in the day and it wasn't then I felt my stomach for incisions and was relieved that all was normal. My throat hurt quite a bit and she gave me some pain meds. We left the hospital at 3 something got my meds came home and I slept for the rest of the afternoon and some of the evening. I was pretty groggy and tired but its all done with and its time to mourn and heal physically and emotionally. I also need to add some serious beaumont thanks... Thank you to Anne for taking such great care of me. To Glorious Gloria who was nothing but the sweetest thing in the world to me from the time she called with my surgery time. She stopped in the room to check on me and hold my hand and cry with me again. I had a wonderful surgery team and I am so thankful that Beaumont has the bereavement program in place it was very difficult knowing that our baby would be thrown out as medical waste. I cried when she told me they did it. Truly a blessing and thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so loving to us during this difficult time. Continue to pray for us and hold us in your thoughts. We will need you all so much in the days and weeks to come and we love you all. Lastly this is something that has been on SPALS( subsequent pregnancy after loss) so I thought I would share. It really is a great reference
10 things not to say to a bereaved parent
When your child dies, people are often at a loss of what to say. I know that people don't mean to be cruel or thoughtless but many times, their comments just add to your pain. Remarkably, there is no statute of limitations on 'stupid' comments and 6 years later, we still hear them, although not as frequently. So to help the well meaning, here are 10 things not to say to a bereaved parent:

"He's with God now/he's in a better place." Maybe. But we want our children here with us. Call us selfish.
"You're young - you can have more kids." Well, maybe yes maybe no. But one child does not replace another. We want the child we just lost, not a different one.
"I know how you feel." (often followed by "I lost my mother/uncle/dog") Unless you lost a child you don't know how we feel. Losing a parent (or pet) is NOT like losing a child.

"I wanted to come by/call but it was too hard." I'm sure it was. But it was hard for us too.

"It will get better with time." Not really. As time goes by you realize more and more that death is forever and you will NEVER see/hug/kiss/talk to your child again or in the case of pregnancy loss meet that precious life that you were looking so forward to joining your family. That doesn't make it better.
"Aren't you over it yet?" You NEVER get over the loss of your child. NEVER. Full stop.

"This must be so hard for your wife." Men are often shafted in the grief department. Guess what? Men love their children too. I've seen fathers fall to pieces while their wives "seemed" to be handling it.

"You're so strong/I could never go through what you're going through." Well, nobody gave us a choice and there aren't any other options.

"At least you have other kids." See #2. One child is not a substitute for another. We are thankful for the children we still have but it doesn't diminish the loss of our child to be

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, this is not necessarily true. Many people collapse under the weight of a tragedy. Secondly, we are not more special than anyone else, didn't sign up for this, didn't ask for it.

So what should you do? Listen. Mention our children by name. Just because they're gone doesn't mean we don't think about them or want to talk about them. Understand that grief is a lifelong journey with ups and downs - today we might be fine; tomorrow getting out of bed is a chore. There is no rhyme or reason to this. Understand when something is too hard for us. It's not that we're not happy that your child is celebrating, it just reminds us that our child never will. Call. But don't be angry if we can't answer the phone and talk.
And if you do say something that might be insensitive (we all do it, including bereaved parents themselves), apologize. It goes a long way

MELTDOWN

So today was going shockingly well. I didn't have one total breakdown until this evening. Yesterday while at the hospital I mentioned how fearful I was of my milk coming in. Craig and my mom started joking about it and I was very hurt by what they said. Today I started to think about how much it bothered me and that I really should say something about it to Craig instead of letting it build. I tried and I tried but couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. We went out to get a couple more prescriptions(feeling like a druggy) and grabbed dinner on the way home I kept thinking I should say something, then we were on the main road back to our house and we passed where we almost hit the deers a couple months back and then my mind went to how much easier it would be if I hit deer now and died. Of course I realized it wouldnt be for the kids and my family but then I wouldnt have to deal with all of this pain and I would be at peace instead of living with all of this and I wouldnt have to go through all of this grief. Now I know how irrational it is but for a second it was a peaceful solution.

Really

So I got up prepared to hopefully have the d&e today but bracing myself that I wouldn't so I wasn't horribly shocked when I got the news that it wouldnt be until tomorrow however I was less then thrilled when I was told that I would have to go in this afternoon to have laminaria inserted and then be sent home to wait the night out and go in the morning. After doing some research I have to say that I am not even remotely thrilled with this idea. Some had a little uncomfortableness while eithers complained about it being excruciating. Frankly, neither sounds great and all I can think is really, havent I been through enough? I mean come on how much more am I expected to take right now? I am just so defeated and feeling so overwhelmed with all of this and it just keeps getting worse. Please pray for me that this isn't as bad as I have read and I get through this and the evening without it being horrible. I am so afraid of going in to labor too. I am just overwhelmed.

Thoughts

Amazing what things go through your mind when you are waiting for your sweet much wanted and anticipated baby to be taken from your body. One of the things I have been working on is what to do to remember my angel. I hid away all the reminders on my computer last night so they wouldnt be in my face but felt guilty about that and it's not fair for me to sweep this under the rug. This was my baby with all his little fingers and toes after all. So I have made a few decisions. One is I am going to get a little box of some sort to put my u/s pictures in and a copy of each of the pictures I took of each 4 wks that have passed since I found out I was pregnant. I hadnt bought anything except two sets of binkies so I will add the set for whatever the baby turns out to be. I have also decided that if there is any way we can get the baby's remains I want them to be creamated so we can decide what to do with our angel. I am going to order a treasure bean http://www.treasurebeans.com/ to keep with me and I might even order one for Andrew, Evan, Jacob and possibly Avery. I also want a piece of jewlery that I can always wear I havent decided what I want but I have started to look. I will always have Hope that we will get through this and be blessed with another baby. I bought a little willow tree piece when I found out I was pg with Elliana and it is something I hold strongly too. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

day 2

Yesterday was a bit rough at times. I think the hardest part right now is waiting for the surgery and the fear of the unknown. I just want this all over so we can move on from here. Last night I dreamt this was all a mistake that they thought I was going to lose the baby but it turns out that it was just a mistake. Funny how our subconscious fights for what we want even when it isn't going to happen. Right now I am just dealing. I forced myself to get dressed and come out with the kids. I think its important for me and for them. I am sure the day of the surgery I am just going to want to stay in my bedroom and rest and well cry. Right now I struggle knowing that I am carrying our dead baby, our perfectly formed with all their little fingers and toes baby. I am struggling with not understanding why this didn't happen 8 wks ago when it was a blob. I could have coped then, I expected it then. I didnt expect to see our baby not moving with no heart beat on the screen. All I can do right now is concentrate on grieving. I have been working on what to do. I cant just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. We had a baby a real baby, a baby I should be starting to feel move in the next week and I need to do something to remember our angel he or she deserves it and so do the rest of us. I really think its a girl if so I am going to name her Hope. Hope for the future, Hope that we will blessed with a healthy baby and delivery next time and Hope for healing. I just want to get through this pain and get through the time when my uterus is empty again and my body is going through it all. Oh yeah and I have read a few ladies say that their milk came in. I am terrified of this. I can't even imagine how hard that is going to be having my milk come knowing there isnt a baby to relieve it.

Well here we go again

It's been 24 hrs since I found out that our precious baby's heart has stopped beating. I have been going through a gamet of emotions. Sadness, not understanding, understanding. I have had a feeling for the last couple weeks that our baby was gone so I was somewhat prepared but to actually be sitting here knowing that it is, well thats an entirely different thing. I have never had a second trimester loss and am at a loss as to why now? I know this is going to be a long wait until I get pregnant again and of course a long pregnancy as I can't imagine how difficult the subsequent pregnancy will be between worrying about whether this will happen again or simply worrying that I will not get pregnant again. As many of my dear friends have struggled I also struggle now with allowing the next pregnancy to be the last. I don't think I can do this again. I do know though that I can't end it here not with this late loss. I was so excited about this baby and was looking forward to having a new baby in the house. I can't imagine closing our family this way. I think I will use this blog still as a starting over point. Updating what the plan is, what the dr says, what my heart says and go from there. Thank you for your continued thoughts and support as we deal with this very difficult loss.