Emotional mess!

I wish I understood or knew why. I suppose I could chalk it up to clomid but I don't know. I am having crazy spotting which just upsets me more, because then my mind goes to what if I don't ovulate this month etc which honestly is fairly irrational since I respond well to clomid. I just think that the knowledge that her ashes could be ready any day and I should be very pregnant now are getting to me. I hate this backslide right now, I was doing so well but I just can't control it and need to get through it. I keep crying and that hasnt happened since the first few weeks after losing her. I just want the pain to go away again. I want to be pregnant and enjoying a growing belly now not trying to get pregnant. My heart is aching and I am alone in it. I don't think anyone would understand why I am struggling now and think its silly or stupid. Pain and sadness are so hard to deal with. I miss my baby.