Today

What can I say but it started off terrible. After a weekend on bad dreams and worries all I could do was continue to talk myself down from the worry. I almost cried on the way to the appt. Then I saw Sharon was my tech and thought I sure hope this is good because poor Sharon always get the bad news appt's for me. Though as I was hanging my purse and coat a wave of peace fell over me. I really knew it was going to be ok. I was so relieved when she put the transducer on to see a beating heart and within minutes bob was all over the place moving like crazy. So much so that it was hard to get any real look at him or her other than a very active baby. We finally got a slight profile. However bob didn't want to show us the goods, and sat with legs crossed. I am looking foward to the next appt and finding out what we are having. I can't wait to know officially. Still thinking were having a boy though I would be beyond thrilled to be having another little girl. In the end though I just want a live baby to come home with us. i also got my doppler today and am so relieved to have it, at first I couldnt really get a hb but tonight I did a beautiful strong 156 bpm. What a beautiful sound! Oh lastly I did find out that the due date they are going by is July 27th. I will take it LOL 3 days sooner works for me!

Sigh

I hate the second week between ultrasounds, no matter how much rationally I know things are ok, I still manage to start to freak out. Fortunately, I can talk myself down pretty much every time but it's still stressful. So Monday is the next u/s. Which will be the point that Hope died, which I suspect is why this week has been even more anxiety filled then normal. I can't wait until I can actually feel movement. Though honestly even that brings another worry, the times when I don't feel movement. Such a rollercoaster ride, but one I am thankful to be given the opportunity to ride.

Wonderful appointment

Well Monday I had my sequential screening u/s and the baby looked really great. The nuchal measurement was within normal range by a great number and bob is growing really well. I am still a bit nervous but truly starting to feel confident that this baby is coming home with us alive and healthy. Still not totally sure what we are having but my girl feelings are starting to slide to boy, we will know soon enough, I am still having mixed feelings about a boy but I will take whatever God gives us. I am starting to fall back in to God's decision and that makes me feel good its another step in healing. Here is Bob at 12 wks 2 days by my calculations, LOL I think next time I will ask for an official what date should I be using due date?

steps, little steps

I was looking at my waiting blog and boy that hurt a little. I am getting closer to being able to archive it and say another good bye. Restarting waiting has been weighing on my mind a lot. This part of my blog has so much to it and so much of my pain and it's going to be hard to start freash. The fact is though, this blog has a bigger life to take on then just mine, Hope's or even Bob's. This is the foundation for what is to come with Beyond Hope the organization. I am still working on finding what I need to do to get this ball moving but once I am not working it is going to be one of the high priority items on my list. I think this is so important and losing Hope has truly brought me to the need to help so I need to get that moving so I can help other women who are going through what I went through. I feel called to do this and I pray that God gives me the wisdom and guidance to be a light to someone else in their time of darkness and loss.

Friday and the 12 wk mark

So it's Friday and tomorrow is the 12 wk milestone. WOW I am so excited to be there but the nerves are still there as I get closer to the point that we lost Hope. All I can say is thank goodness for the bi-weekly u/s's or I don't know how I would get through without hyperventilating! I started to have a mini freak out last weekend but was again able to calm myself down and feel better on the flip side of it. I just can't wait till Monday to see baby again. I think I need to back off reading the loss posts, even though I feel sure that this baby is coming home from us it always throws my brain in to the what if mode, even if its only for five minutes it's still five minutes of total freaking out that I really don't need to do to myself. I was so uptight and worried all the time with Hope, subconsciously knowing something was going to happen that I didn't enjoy my pregnancy much. With this sweet baby I am so excited and living in anticipation of each milestone and passing month that we get closer to bringing this baby home, I can't wait! With our sweet little Hope I convinced myself of the excitment but it was obviously never there, I had a terrible time even really looking at baby stuff for her, I did it because I thought it was what I should do, not because I knew I would need it. What a different pregnancy this one is! I am just praying today as I do every day that all goes well and we are blessed with a healthy baby in July! I can't wait to share the news next week that we are indeed waiting for a new blessing.

Hope our Hope

So today is a poigniant day in this journey. Today is the day that our sweet baby girl Hope was supposed to join our family. I try not to dwell on it to much because I can totally picture how today and the next several days would have gone as I had already planned them in my head starting in the few weeks after I found out what my due date was. I was so excited to have such a cool section date and one that would always be remembered. It was going to be just so perfect because the kids have a 3 day weekend over the weekend of the 14th so baby girl and I would be coming home on Saturday and the kids would have an extra day to spend with their new baby before going back to school. It was so perfect, but like all "perfect" things it wasn't meant to be, there is no such thing as perfect. Her due date is around the corner and again I expect it to be a bit of a ride that day too. I am thankful that I have my Lord and saviour through all of this, knowing Hope is in heaven makes this easier to go through. I will see sweet baby girl again some day and I am looking so forward to that day, when we meet her but her brother and sisters that were there before her. I have also been working at focusing my being around the baby growing inside me. I am still not to the point of loving this baby so much that I can accept that he or she wouldn't be here if Hope was being born today but I am getting there. I love how active Bob is and watching him or her grow on the u/s and the amazing gift this pregnancy is. My pain is easing when it comes to Hope but she will always have a very special place in my heart.

Phew....

So far so good, still another week before my next ultrasound I have started to have some emotional melts and at first started to panic but realized that I am sure its all the things surrounding the time right now. Hope has been gone for five months the anniversay passed two days ago. Then my section date would have been Tuesday and my due date the following week on the 18th. My next u/s is the 17th the day before her due date, so there is just a lot of emotional thing things going on. I can't wait to see little bob again and know that he or she is growing and ok. 5 more weeks and we will be past the point that Hope died so I am just prayerful this time passes fast and continues to go as well as I expect it too.

10 wks 2 days and appointment

Playing catch up. First I feel awesome! Very little m/s and just sore and tender breasts. I am still in regular clothes at first it freaked me out a bit but I keep reminding myself I have lost enough weight to make my clothes fit longer and better then they have the previous two pregnancies. Fortunately my appt today helped confirm that all is well! Steph was able to do an abdominal u/s. When she first put it on I started to worry a minute and Steph must have seen it on my face and in my voice because she immediately reassured me that all was fine and then we saw baby moving everywhere, all over the place such a busy little one. It was amazing to see the growth in two weeks. My next appt is scheduled for two weeks and its also the sequential testing, I am so thankful for the biweekly u/s's but I am feeling really good about this baby, I will work at updating more. Just been crazy busy. Here are Bob's most recent pics.