5 wks today

It is hard to believe its five weeks today since my procedure that took my lifeless sweet baby from my body. I think that I tend to forget these days are coming and then something comes up and I get reminded like a cold rain that my sweet baby girl is gone and I am left starting over. I think that this one is probably one of the harder weeks because I am just finishing my period and it is another stark reminder that I don't have my baby growing inside me and I am empty. I just pray that we are blessed again soon each day that passes is starting ot be a bit of a struggle again and I hate this pain. I just want a full uterus again and to smell a fresh new baby's head, my new baby's head. Just hope it's soon.

CD4

5 technically as it is after midnight but well whatever right? Rough day today, I was really missing Hope today, I am sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that we were at a funeral for Craig's great Aunt Lillian she wasn't that old only 73 and at the end of the graveside service we were all given carnations to place on the casket I ended up with a pink one and had to trade my niece for her yellow one, the pink one was just too much for me to do. On the way home I thought about the weekend, I would have been 25 wks tomorrow, I only know because of my cousins wedding, I had time and time again figured out how pregnant I would be when she got married and how exciting it would be, so then the funeral slammed it all back in my face. just making me so much more touched by losing Hope than I had been for a couple weeks. Add my period and clomid in the mix and lets just say not the best emotional day to have had. I was thinking about something the other day regarding the day Hope died and something came to me, I will share in another post but I found it really intresting/ironic etc..

Blah blah grumble

Well it looks like AF is on her way. Negative test and spot was here this morning. I pretty much knew but still a bit bummed. Wouldnt it have been beautiful to get pregnant without even getting my first period? I think it would but well obviously God has his plan too:) So what is the real bummer about this besides not being pregnant? Craig and I are going away tonight, first night in over a year and I am on my period. So here we go again CD1

Pretty sure

I am pretty sure that AF is on her way. Just have that feeling. I dont know mixed feelings always as it would have been nice to actually just get pregnant but well it rarely goes that way does it? If I am not then clomid starts this cycle and I keep reminding myself that ovulation again isn't that far away. Always looking for the good in it right? Otherwise you go nuts concentrating on the bad. I will test on Friday and if it's negative pretty much expect that its a no go and stop the prometrium. Or well if AF visits sooner. Hopefully soon but well hopefully really soon.

3 dpo

I am 3dpo now so its a just wait and see. Starting my progesterone today and we will see where things stand in a couple weeks. I have been having many more better days which is a blessing, I am no longer in the daily agonizing emotional pain. Just taking it one step at a time.

Poem for Hope

empty tummy
broken heart
it feels some days like my world is torn apart
twelve weeks I knew you
how the how the time flew
and in a blink your angel wings grew
It seems so hard believe in such a short time we fell in love
but you were truly a blessing from above
We loved you from the very start
and you hold a special place in our heart
You were our child that we wanted so much
and now one that only our hearts can touch
We will see you in heaven some day
but for now its here with a sad heart we must stay
We love you sweet baby girl
You will be forever missed by your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters.
We can't wait to meet you in heaven Hope. We know your with your loved ones who came before you and those that will come after you too.
Love mommy

smiley face=ovulation

Well I am ovulating, I got pg with Evan first time out so who knows. I will not be surprised if I don't but what a blessing it would be for sure. We will see though and I am ok with whatever happens. At least I know in 14-16 days my period will start or I will get a positive pregnancy test. Both things I can live with. I debated doing it now but we bd'd yesterday so really its already there and we don't use protection anyhow. Honestly I don't know that I would have abstained either way so only time will tell. It's in God's hands. I feel good about the time frame too I have had 4 plus weeks for my lining to build and I have been medicating all this time too so all good things. Here we go again on the ttc roller coaster. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

Funky Friday and maybe a reason

Today was a strange day I was doing ok overall but something kept bringing me back to talking about baby Hope today. Couldnt figure out why she was just on my mind a lot. I started the spring/winter turn over and it slapped me in the face the drawer I have been avoiding hoping that I could wait as long as possible is going to have to be cleaned out. It's the drawer with all my maternity clothing I had bought for the fall and winter. I can't do it. I just can't do it. I am going to have to have someone do it for me and not while I am home, I didnt think it would bother me so much but it does. Thursday came a reason. I had to take Jacob to the see the allergist at the same place that the infectious disease specialist office is. Dr K Jacob's dr happened to be in the waiting room and I snagged him and asked if I could talk to him in the hall, I think I probably scared him at first. I told him we had lost the baby at 16.3 wks and that she had died around the time Jacob was dx'd with adenovirus and was it possible that, that is why she died. He said most definitely. I talked to the allergist about it as well and he backed what Dr K had said so though we wont ever know for sure it seems plausible that, that is what caused her death. I guess the good thing is, its kind of a perfect storm situation and isn't likely to repeat itself. I am still waiting for my period to start and its driving me nuts, hopefully soon.

One of those days

I had a tough day today. I am finding that I have a tough time in larger social groups its been something I have struggled with since losing the baby. It just is a tough thing for me. Today I decided I would be starting back to my moms group. I had stopped going last year with Craig being home I didnt need to get out for the adult socialization like I did before. I got up got dressed and in the car and the doubt started. Stopped for mcdees full of doubt. Started driving and doubt was there still. I was listening to my Christian radio station and they hosts started talking about God and how he loves us and is there when we are in pain, , how even when were in so much pain God is there even though its at those times we tend to feel it the least and how we love our children as parents and how God loves us so much as our heavenly father. I kept driving with tears in my eyes....I still was doubtful but kept going. I was about 10 mins away from Church when they played a song called Hope by newsboys and I thought WOW God is talking to me, I mean our baby's name and what I am trying so desperately to have. Right after that came before the morning plays, here are the words

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

God speaks in so many ways and when we just don't expect it and when we need it the most.

words

empty tummy
broken heart
it feels some days like my world is torn apart
twelve weeks I knew you
how the how the time flew
and in a blink your angel wings grew
It seems so hard believe in such a short time we fell in love
but you were truly a blessing from above
We loved you from the very start
and you hold a special place in our heart
You were our child that we wanted so much


to be cont........

one month

Yesterday marked a month since we got the news that our baby girl was gone. I was doing ok yesterday but today has been rough. I have nothing to remember her by other than my dreams for her and of her and its hard not to have something of substance to remember her by. I wish there weren't set backs its hard. I do ok for days and then its a set back. Its so frustrating though I know normal. I just wish this was a dream and I could wake up from this horrible nightmare and it would all be fine and she would be growing and kicking in my stomach. Instead I am waiting for my period to start and feeling empty. Its so hard to explain its like each day is a shell of a day waiting for it to feel better. Living is just an existence, I know at some point it will feel like it's fulfilling again but for now it just is.