Day 10

Waiting for O. My body is already changing in prepartion for it. I am kinda surprised and think I might actually ovulate before day 18. After Elliana I didn't until like day 28 my norm is about day 18 so this is kinda strange to feel the changes start to occur already. Time will tell.

Cycle day 1

Yep! Sure is. Though I am a bit dissapointed I am actually fine with it. I am just excited to have finally gotten one and though yeah I rather would have a positive test. I will take this in the end its probably a better thing anyhow that way I get a nice fresh clean start in my body. After all its been almost 2 yrs. So here we go. I probably won't be posting until I think O is coming again but I am on the wait for O. Which I am happy about. Stay tuned.......

So

Well ok finally maybe an answer or back to the drawing board. Officially thinking not pregnant. My Cervix FINALLY changed which is leading me to believe that all this time my body has been trying to ovulate. So now that my cervix has changed I am thinking either that its off kilter or I did just ovulate this last week since I am in a pre O or post O cervical position. So I am going to count this as the two week wait and see if I get a period at the end of the month. LOL and hope the cm etc doesnt change back to having me go what the heck:)

Today

::sigh:: Why do our bodies have to be such mysteries? Nothing today but tons of EW CM. Tried to research and got no where really. I wish I had a clue but of course its just a wait and see. I am fighting so hard not to wean Isabella but I keep reminding myself that, that would be selfish that this time isn't about me still and what I want its about that baby that's sleeping in her bed who still needs her mommy's milk and that attention. Add to the fact that I would be broken hearted if I did wean and then for whatever reason didn't get pg and I had ceased that relationship prematurely and then didn't have another one. Now I know the odds of that are not high but still it is something that weighs heavily on me. So I still wait and wonder when I will get a postive test or a period. Either welcome!

Why this

I figured I would take some time to lay down why blog all of this? I think simple answer is because I forget. I really don't remember much about the time when I was narrowing down #7'S nursings in order to get some fertility back. I do remember by the time I got that first period I was excited because I finally had a chance. At my best estimations not pregnant I could have a period before the end of December but suspect it could be as late as February. I can't even began to express in words how hard the wait is. One of the things that I have done in the last 6 yrs is handed my family size over to God. Now what does that mean to me? It's simple I don't actively try ie no fertility drugs etc and I don't prevent so no b/c at all. What this means emotionally is a LOT of patience. I am not like "normal" women. I do not come by my periods easily or my fertility easily. People always laugh when I say this but let me explain further Our first child took 2 yrs to conceive and was finally the product of fertility drugs. Imagine our shock when we found out I was 9 1/2 wks pregnant with our second child after 2+ yrs( we were very loose with b/c previous to marriage as well, GASP yea I admit it I had sex out of wedlock with my husband, but he is the only one I have ever had sex with so yes a sin but at least I did it with the right person:) ) So finding out I was pregnant with #2 when #1 was only 7 mos old was a whole bundle of emotions wrapped in to one. #3 came almost as fast as #2. I weaned in July and was pregnant by the end of August. So pattern is emerging and I am realizing when I wean I must get a good boost of hormones and get a cycle right after I wean. So now we have 3 boys and I want a girl. Wean #3 and dont get pg right off, next month no, third month we go to clomid and I conceive first round so theres our next little one. I nurse #4 for 15 mos wean and start to try to get pregnant, doesnt happen. We keep trying doesn't happen. Finally try clomid again, nope no baby. See the specialist who decides we should try fertinex an injectable fertility drug, take the classes start the provera to get a period and no period comes, I am assured that it will come it doesnt, Why because I am pregnant with #5. Nurse #5 for 18 mos wean and pregnant the next month. First miscarriage. pregnant five weeks later with #7, pregnancy goes to term nurse him until he is 19 mos heres where I get foggy. I wasn't nursing as much with him at the end of our nursing relationship and I got pregnant, weaned him at that point well within a month , pregnancy ends in M/C 2 mos after I wean. For the first time in a very long time I am cycling consistently, not in a normal time frame but definitely ovulating. So I get pregnant 3 mos after the miscarriage and lose that baby too. 4 mos later I am pregnant for the 10th time and its a sticky bean. Then the fog comes..... Nurse her until she is 16 mos and I am nursing her when I get pg she self weans over not liking her milk anymore. Now your caught up and I have it all down. Not that I needed too but hey it makes me feel better. Now I wait for whatever will happen to happen. Fortunately I am still ok in the age part but it definitely is starting to weigh on my mind. I have a hard time right now remembering to simply BE PATIENT its God's decision and to be faithful in prayer. Waiting......Waiting.......Waiting.........

Saturday

What a nice sunny Saturday. Not much going on here, cleaning house finishing decorationg and getting ready to bake cookies. Lets see on the body side of things. Achy/crampy lots of discharge watery etc. Ouchy nipple yeah only one I know whatever! Anyhow on the countdown to test. Tuesday is the day. We will see what happens, like I keep saying only time will tell in the mean time, thats what writing is for. To journal this journey and help remember next time. Hopefully this will end up a pregnancy journal soon enough and I can change it to . Expecting a new blessing and prequel! :D

Ho Hummmm

Yeah thats how I feel. No answers still. No period, haven't tested. Definitely still having symptoms, but is it IPS or for real:) Tuesday is the next day I am willing to test. I am glad I am doing this though wish I would have started some time ago. I have been trying to remember when I started slowing Elliana's nursings down because it would help to get a guage on when I can expect things to happen etc. Well I do know I slowed Isabella down between 11-12 mos so at least this will document that. Were nursing 1-3 times a day depending, the last few have only been once. I don't want to wean her yet because I think its very important to keep nursing her, for her. Once I do get pregnant I will be less concerned about preventing her from nursing to much. We were discussing my symptoms on one of my loops and I realized something there have only been two times since I had Alex that I have had a period before getting pregnant when nursing. Benjamin is the first time and Isabella the second. So who knows maybe that bodes well. just waiting for the minutes to pass

Another day another...

pregnancy test. Nope not today I refuse! I am going to make myself crazy so I have sworn off testing until Tuesday or maybe even a bit longer. Reason being I still don't know what the spotting was, for all I know it could have been an egg releasing which means that I would not be more than a few days past implantation of course that doesn't solve the whole drama of the lines etc. Whatever! Let's see symptoms; I am moody as all get out, really bad, everything makes me snappy, I cry at stupid stuff even the little stuff and I just am not feeling myself at all in the emotions dept, Sugar issue the other day with a donut, nausea still, sore breasts a bit, the breast lines. consptipation, ** note on the later two not sure if I had the lines still or not, I hardly look at my boobs since their covered often like 24/7 except when I bathe. Constipation not totally unusual but haven't had it for awhile! Anyhow just going to keep blogging and waiting. Sorry about the TMI but since its mine only at this point and who would read but other women who know how fun all this is, I can share:)

Heavens!

Ok so maybe not again. Took a test again today it was negative. I am starting to think maybe the lines were evap lines afterall. I saw for the first time today a first response fertility test for women. Going to do some research and see what it does etc. See if it would work with me breastfeeding still. Feeling very confused and not sure what to think. It's a bit of a rollercoaster but thats ok just have to work through it and remember its all in God's timing. Hard to remember though. I keep reminding myself faithfully of it.

Heavens!

Ok so no clue, still negative test on the one I took today other one I took yesterday turned positive too but I am about to give up and throw in the towel that its a negative thing. Gotta check on some information but I think I am going to try to use the first response fertility test and see if it is something that will work for me. I am going to do some research and buy it next week when we have money again. Patience is all I can have and trust in God, his timing!

Maybe God's timing after all

I guess this is a time will tell sort of thing. I checked the old test I took and was surprised to see a line. Well if anyone comes across this blog its common knowledge about evaporation line on every ttc board known to man. However with this particular brand I have never had one occur, the test I have sitting from a month ago is still as negative as negative can be but this one has a very faint clear line. The test I took yesterday that had convinced me to be a whiner has the start of a line as well. I plan on testing again over the weekend to see what happens but I am thinking that I could have a surprise on my hands after I had just started to think that I was going to have to wait. I will be saying a prayer tonight that God has given me this gift.

Frustrating

I have been battling this lack of knowledge the last few weeks. My body is starting to return to a cycle or I think it is but its not being very forthcoming with it. First I had all this crazy discharge that if I had an cervical change I might have been able to equate it to ovulation but I didn't so I didn't. Then last week I had one time when I went to the bathroom that I had a little spotting and a drop of bloody discharge lots of cramping and bloating so I thought Ok period is coming yay. Nope! Now waiting and thought maybe the drop was implantation, nope negative test so here I sit. Crabby, crampy and still bloaty and plain ole MOODY! I am so ready for another one. I know that in the end its ALL in God's hands and his infinite timing but we are still human and fall to the big annoyances of it not happening in our time. Hopefully soon I will get a period.