day 2

Yesterday was a bit rough at times. I think the hardest part right now is waiting for the surgery and the fear of the unknown. I just want this all over so we can move on from here. Last night I dreamt this was all a mistake that they thought I was going to lose the baby but it turns out that it was just a mistake. Funny how our subconscious fights for what we want even when it isn't going to happen. Right now I am just dealing. I forced myself to get dressed and come out with the kids. I think its important for me and for them. I am sure the day of the surgery I am just going to want to stay in my bedroom and rest and well cry. Right now I struggle knowing that I am carrying our dead baby, our perfectly formed with all their little fingers and toes baby. I am struggling with not understanding why this didn't happen 8 wks ago when it was a blob. I could have coped then, I expected it then. I didnt expect to see our baby not moving with no heart beat on the screen. All I can do right now is concentrate on grieving. I have been working on what to do. I cant just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. We had a baby a real baby, a baby I should be starting to feel move in the next week and I need to do something to remember our angel he or she deserves it and so do the rest of us. I really think its a girl if so I am going to name her Hope. Hope for the future, Hope that we will blessed with a healthy baby and delivery next time and Hope for healing. I just want to get through this pain and get through the time when my uterus is empty again and my body is going through it all. Oh yeah and I have read a few ladies say that their milk came in. I am terrified of this. I can't even imagine how hard that is going to be having my milk come knowing there isnt a baby to relieve it.