Halloween

It was a great Halloween overall, the kids had a great time. I enjoyed it even in the midst of what I should be enjoying. I did well in the big picture. The only slight meltdown I had was when I started to think about how well the jacket I was wearing fit me. It shouldnt have fit me at all, I should have been enjoying a nice round belly with a baby kicking in it. I fortunately managed to talk myself down fairly fast which was a blessing, I really had the potential of going south really fast. I hate this so much, I want to still be pregnant and doing what I should instead of trying to figure out how to get through the day without missing her so much that my heart feels like it will break in a million pieces. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I know it will happen again just hoping soon.

Why?

Why do I torture myself? I am sitting here fighting the urge to figure out how pregnant I should be right now. Why do I want to know? I have no idea. I mean it serves no good that I can think of, other than to hurt myself all over. I still can't believe that this has happened some days. Today is one of them. I want so much to move forward but its so hard when I miss her so much. I realized that there isnt a week that passes that I still don't cry for her. I wanted her so much, I was so excited to have her coming. Now its still just emptiness and sadness and some days its so much worse than others. I am sure my period is a lot of this right now but darn it, if I could turn back time and just treasure her more, well I don't think I could, I was so excited about her coming. Another day over and another one forward

CD 3

Yep I knew it was coming and this time it was actually a little more tolerable. Not that I will ever be ok with it happening, I obviously rather be pregnant but what choice do I have? I am as usual hopeful that this will be the month! So thoughts and prayers and here we go again.

changes

Well I am finding another purpose. God is moving in me. I know what I need to do. I am changing the name of my blog to beyond Hope. Not in the sense that I am beyond hope but the sense that there is something past this pain and there will be for others. After the pain things change and we move forward, we (those who have had losses) can never get over the loss of a child but there is still something beyond the pain. In my case there is something beyond Hope that is waiting for me and in all situations a future to live. There is a lot more that I am aiming to do but right now their just ideas and I know that there is so much more that I have to figure out to do what I feel like I am being called to do. God is so good and right now I am praying that God shows me the way.

Circling

Isn't it funny how things seem to come back around at us? I just ran out and was able to catch the end of focus on the family and it was the one with Angie and Todd Smith. If you don't know their story he is a a member of the group Selah and they found at their anatomy u/s that their baby girl had serious birth defects and missing organs. They chose not to terminate and to carry Audrey to term. What a heart wrenching decision to choose to make and how brave they were do it. Anyhow as I was listening to their story and was so touched by it I went on my grief and loss board to find out that one of the ladies on there who had made the decision welcomed their still born daughter Bree this week. Her heartstopped beating a couple days before she was born still. I wanted to share with her Angie and Todd's story so she knew she wasnt alone and as I started trying to find more information to send her I found Angie's blog which once the pieces fell in to place I realized it was the same blog I myself had read probably shortly before I found out I was pregnant with Hope. I read a bit more of it and realized that I had indeed been reading Angie's blog and the pieces fell in to place. I, again am reminded of how awesome our God is to put things like this together in such a beautiful tapestry so that not only can we be helped but we can help eachother. Please keep Bree's family in your prayers as they mourn the loss of their precious baby girl who is now with her heavenly father. Angie's blog button has now joined the loss buttons along the side. She and Todd are truly and inspiration to follow. I know I have been inspired and I think I have things to come in the wings.....

Discouraged

So where do I start? I guess with the negative test today. It really upset me though I knew that there was a good chance that it would happen but it still it's an emotional thing when all I want to be is pregnant and trying to move forward with having another baby. It weighed all day on my mind. I obsessed from googling when does implantation occur, to checking out the clearplan monitor again, to checking when period calculators say my period should be here. Then getting upset that the negative probably is a negative, getting hopeful that maybe I took a test to early, to getting sad that here we go again on to another trying month. I ended up getting called in to work and on the way to work while driving I started to get really upset and ended up having to stop and throw it at God. My knees hit the floor while driving( well not literally but you know what I mean) and I gave it all to God, my fears, my sadness, my anger, my frustration and said God take this from me I can't keep doing this alone, help me to get through this because I need your help. I kept driving towards work and in distance I saw what looked like a a rainbow in the clouds. it wasn't a full rainbow but I could see the hues in the clouds. Then I lost site of it and kept driving and wondering if I was really seeing what I thought I was, a couple other times I saw it as well. I finally was almost to work and in the distance on the horizon I could see the full spectrum of rainbow colors in the clouds. I fought back tears, there was my rainbow, and God was again speaking so clearly to me. Have peace and faith your rainbow is on the horizon. In case you didn't know baby's that come after a loss are often referred to as rainbow baby's. So I don't know when but I know it will come, we will be blessed with our rainbow baby.

So therapy

So I started therapy, this was week two. One of the things that has weighed on my mind is what to do when I get pregnant again. I just dont even know how to deal with it. I mean I will be excited but I am terrified. My safety net has been pulled out from under me with the loss of Hope. Where do I go from here? I have been working on how to deal when I am pregnant again. Two things that have come to mind to help me. First is that Craig is going to have to attend appts with me for a LONG time. Second is the schedule for appointments. The other thing that I struggle with is sharing the news. For me now there is no good period to do it. We shared in a normal time and we lost her after. Af is due Saturday and well I just don't know. Last month I was sure that I wasn't this month I want to be hopeful but I am afraid to be. What a rollercoaster.

7 or 8 dpo

Depends on how you count it. I ususally count it right from the first day since I seem to ovulate the same day that I get the positive and I am pretty sure I ovulated early on Sunday as I was so close to a positive last Saturday. I dont know if its a go this month or not. I don't feel like it is but who knows. I am preparing for it to be negative and preparing to deal with it again. Two of my dear friends who are ttc both got AF this month and a new friend got BFP which I feel like it puts me out. However I know that even though its only 20% chance each cycle I can't help but think those aren't horrible odds. I mean 1 in 5 is that really all that bad? I don't think it is really LOL I am always looking for a silver lining though. Anyhow I am thinking I will test Thursday and see what happens. Hopeful and prayerful that it is this month. I just don't like the whole process and honestly it brings me one month closer to Hopes due date and that is a whole emotional can of worms in itself.

Wasn't posting today

I hadn't planned on posting today but opened my blog anyhow and when I saw my Bible verse I decided I should. The verse was; Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1 (KJV). This is also the verse that remains in my signature. I had also been listening to With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman at the time. Little angel message. Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant loss remeberance day. We will be lighting a candle from 7-8pm in honor not only of Hope and angles of ours that went before her. I am 5dpo today and no real clue as to what this month will bring. It's hard to even began to judge at this point but we will take whatever comes. Praying for a positive but well it will be what it will be. Please remember all baby's lost to soon tomorrow and light a candle in honor of them.

Working my way back

Last week was a very difficult week, there is just way around that. I cried often and it was just hard. I am not sure what brought everything on, maybe the anniversary, maybe the clomid but the pain was so fresh and I just missed Hope so much. She is offically home with us and that is another milstone passed. Still hurting but trying to move forward. I have an appt with a therapist on Tuesday and I am 1 dpo yeah its early but obviously time will tell. Prayers are greatly appreciated. I will work on posting more often again. Blessings to all

The Call

The call came today. Hope's remains are at the cemetery. We go Saturday to get them. I am just so sad all over again. I am working on finding someone to talk to, to help me deal with this. I am still waiting to ovulate and honestly that isn't helping either, its just an ugly circle. I am praying that I ovulate soon it feels like it adds to all of this. I just feel so lost and wish the pain wasn't so hard. I don't know how to get through this. I guess day to day but its so hard to wake up to the freshness every morning and feel it until sleep comes at night.

Emotional mess!

I wish I understood or knew why. I suppose I could chalk it up to clomid but I don't know. I am having crazy spotting which just upsets me more, because then my mind goes to what if I don't ovulate this month etc which honestly is fairly irrational since I respond well to clomid. I just think that the knowledge that her ashes could be ready any day and I should be very pregnant now are getting to me. I hate this backslide right now, I was doing so well but I just can't control it and need to get through it. I keep crying and that hasnt happened since the first few weeks after losing her. I just want the pain to go away again. I want to be pregnant and enjoying a growing belly now not trying to get pregnant. My heart is aching and I am alone in it. I don't think anyone would understand why I am struggling now and think its silly or stupid. Pain and sadness are so hard to deal with. I miss my baby.

Blah

I am having one of those days, they seem to be creeping up a lot more right now and I am not sure why. I supposed it really is simple, I miss my baby something terrible right now. I should be nice and pregnant with a beatuiful round belly and feeling my sweet baby girl kicking in my stomach. As I shop for Elliana and Isabella I should be shopping for our new baby girl as well. Instead I am waiting for a bracelet to come in the mail to wear in her memory and a cemetary to call to tell me her ashes are ready. It just isn't fair! As I tell my kids though life isn't fair and what can we do about it? NOTHING! So I just pray that things will get better and my heart won't hurt so much and that we will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next time.