Backing up

I want it all here our baby had value and even as we heal I want to remember that we lost a precious life. Our baby deserves this much. Adding my fb note of the surgery etc.....

I will start by saying that for the last two weeks I had, had a feeling that something wasn't right. It started with a panic attack two weeks ago Sunday and I just had that feeling something was wrong. Fast fwd to Friday. I went in Friday for a routine 16 wks ob appt. I was 16 wks and 3 days. The nurse did the usuals and took out the doppler out and started to try to find a heartbeat. She couldn't so she said I will just leave it here and let the dr try. He came in, we discussed how things were going and tried to get the heart beat after trying for several minutes he got out the u/s machine and confirmed what I had known deep in my heart our baby's heart was not beating. He said he wanted to confirm it for sure on the main u/s machine so they took me in and confirmed again that the baby had no heartbeat. After measuring the baby it was determined that the baby had died exactly two weeks before at 14 wks 3 days. My heart sank. I was taken back to the same room where my doctor came in and we discussed options. Option one be induced which he said would likely be fairly fast since my body has done labor a few times but it would be painful etc. Option two let the baby come on its own so we could have time to grieve and say goodbye to our baby the problem with this option was it could take up to a month for my body to let go of our angel and infection could develop. Option number three and the one we chose was to have a d&e. Apparently I am to far along for a d&c and there are only two doctors out of Beaumont that do it. He said they used to have to call a dr in from Huetzel to do it. The problem with it at that point was it was late Friday and they doubted that they would be able to reach them in time to get me in on Friday. So he sent me home with the instructions not to eat after midnight on Sunday and they would call me to let me know whether it would be Monday or Tuesday because sometimes the doctor likes to meet with you. My office called me Monday morning and gave me the number to the specialist so I called and within a half hour they called back and said to go ahead and eat that the d&e was being scheduled for Tuesday morning and I needed to go in at 3 for Laminaria insertion. Its basically sticks of seaweed that are inserted in to the cervix and as they expand they expand the cervix to help dilate it. We went in and met with the dr first who was very good about answering our questions and explaining the risks I did discuss with him what would be the best for us and he said the d&e for sure. He said that an induction could go on for days and put a lot of stress on the uterus. I went and emptied my bladder and he inserted the sticks the first wasn't horrible but by the time he got to the 4th it hurt quite a bit, apparently he tried a fifth and took it out I am not sure why though but he decided that was enough. We had discussed using cyotec in the morning originally and he said he didn't think it was a good idea however after checking my cervix he decided to go ahead and give it to me with the instructions to take it at 5 am. Apparently my cervix was nice and firm still, good news my body apparently likes to stay pregnant as long as it should bad news in the case it isnt beneficial for me. We came home and I ate some dinner and tried a bath and ended up feeling terrible. Room spinning, woozy and in pain. Followed by spotting and some just plain ole funky feeling. I spent the evening laying down and just trying to take it easy by 11 I was starting to have quite a bit of pain so I took a tylenol 3 and went to sleep. I was woke out of my sleep around 3:30 in a lot of pain and suspected that I wouldn't make it to the 8:30 scheduled time. I managed to breath through enough of the pain to fall asleep until the 5 am cyotec dose. I managed to dose for about 20 mins and woke up in a lot more pain then even at 3:30 I got up and went and got in the tub I really needed to at least wash my hair. I sat down and started bleeding so I finished washing and went and woke Craig up and told him we had to go. I got dressed and blew my hair dry while my Craig got my mom up and then I sat on the couch breathing through the pain. We left for the hospital about 6 it was a very painful drive I was contracting the entire way down to the hospital sometimes as close as 2 mins apart. My mom dropped us at the door and I walked upstairs. I am stubborn. I felt several gushes of fluid which turned out to be blood. We got up and I said I was scheduled at 8:30 but the pain was to bad and we came early. They got me back within 10 mins and went through all the information and got my iv in. Anne my nurse was just awesome she was a blessing as was everyone on this awful day. She said she would get the Anesthesiologist in to get me some pain meds asap. We went to the bathroom right when she told me the Anesthesiologist was on the floor because once she gave me something I wouldn't be able to get up and I am not a big bed pan fan we went and I emptied my bladder and anesthesiologist came in and we went over my history and that I would be under general which was a little nerve wrecking as I had never had a general etc. Anne was able to start giving me dilauded for the pain which most of the time was helpful and the Beaumont has a bereavement and grief counseling program in place for mid to late losses along with it a cremation program for second trimester through full term babies. Once they finish with all the testing on our baby she or he will be cremated they generally place the babies in a special section at a cemetery down the street from the hospital. I want our babys ashes so we will call at the beginning of the month and make arrangements to get the baby's ashes and bring him or her home. They hold a special memorial service in Oct that we will likely attend too. The grief counselor also stopped and discussed our loss, talked to Craig and I about it and how to help the kids deal with it and gave us several resources to read and refer too. The contractions got bad again and I asked for more dilauded. They gave me some more and started to prep me for surgery. The Dr's assistant came in and talked to us and I told her how scared I was of the procedure and how afraid I was of losing my uterus. She was really awesome and reassuring. I got the anti nausea stuff and another dose of pain meds. Dr Valahos came in and talked to us for a few minutes and said he had found out that there was a cremation program etc he didn't know that said he had always signed the paper as part of the paper work and never paid attention to it. I told him we knew and had already signed it so we were good to go with that. He asked about the pain etc I said I had been up most of the night and was bleeding some, he said good, not good but good it meant that things would be easier for the procedure. He left and I was wheeled in to the OR about 10 mins after my scheduled time. She put the mask over my face and it had oxygen to start and then it smelled funny she said start taking deep breaths and that was the last thing I remember. I woke up in the recovery room and the first thing I did was check the time knowing that if things had gone bad it would be a lot later in the day and it wasn't then I felt my stomach for incisions and was relieved that all was normal. My throat hurt quite a bit and she gave me some pain meds. We left the hospital at 3 something got my meds came home and I slept for the rest of the afternoon and some of the evening. I was pretty groggy and tired but its all done with and its time to mourn and heal physically and emotionally. I also need to add some serious beaumont thanks... Thank you to Anne for taking such great care of me. To Glorious Gloria who was nothing but the sweetest thing in the world to me from the time she called with my surgery time. She stopped in the room to check on me and hold my hand and cry with me again. I had a wonderful surgery team and I am so thankful that Beaumont has the bereavement program in place it was very difficult knowing that our baby would be thrown out as medical waste. I cried when she told me they did it. Truly a blessing and thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so loving to us during this difficult time. Continue to pray for us and hold us in your thoughts. We will need you all so much in the days and weeks to come and we love you all. Lastly this is something that has been on SPALS( subsequent pregnancy after loss) so I thought I would share. It really is a great reference
10 things not to say to a bereaved parent
When your child dies, people are often at a loss of what to say. I know that people don't mean to be cruel or thoughtless but many times, their comments just add to your pain. Remarkably, there is no statute of limitations on 'stupid' comments and 6 years later, we still hear them, although not as frequently. So to help the well meaning, here are 10 things not to say to a bereaved parent:

"He's with God now/he's in a better place." Maybe. But we want our children here with us. Call us selfish.
"You're young - you can have more kids." Well, maybe yes maybe no. But one child does not replace another. We want the child we just lost, not a different one.
"I know how you feel." (often followed by "I lost my mother/uncle/dog") Unless you lost a child you don't know how we feel. Losing a parent (or pet) is NOT like losing a child.

"I wanted to come by/call but it was too hard." I'm sure it was. But it was hard for us too.

"It will get better with time." Not really. As time goes by you realize more and more that death is forever and you will NEVER see/hug/kiss/talk to your child again or in the case of pregnancy loss meet that precious life that you were looking so forward to joining your family. That doesn't make it better.
"Aren't you over it yet?" You NEVER get over the loss of your child. NEVER. Full stop.

"This must be so hard for your wife." Men are often shafted in the grief department. Guess what? Men love their children too. I've seen fathers fall to pieces while their wives "seemed" to be handling it.

"You're so strong/I could never go through what you're going through." Well, nobody gave us a choice and there aren't any other options.

"At least you have other kids." See #2. One child is not a substitute for another. We are thankful for the children we still have but it doesn't diminish the loss of our child to be

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, this is not necessarily true. Many people collapse under the weight of a tragedy. Secondly, we are not more special than anyone else, didn't sign up for this, didn't ask for it.

So what should you do? Listen. Mention our children by name. Just because they're gone doesn't mean we don't think about them or want to talk about them. Understand that grief is a lifelong journey with ups and downs - today we might be fine; tomorrow getting out of bed is a chore. There is no rhyme or reason to this. Understand when something is too hard for us. It's not that we're not happy that your child is celebrating, it just reminds us that our child never will. Call. But don't be angry if we can't answer the phone and talk.
And if you do say something that might be insensitive (we all do it, including bereaved parents themselves), apologize. It goes a long way