Sunday, Sunday

I love church! I love our new church home it is so wonderful and I am so thankful to have found a place to feel so at home at. I had said I would still baptize whatever baby's we have in the Methodist church but I don't think that we will do that. I still have to talk to Craig and we have plenty of time to decide the dedication service after our baby is born isn't until Oct 23rd so we have plenty of time to decide since we don't baptize them until they are four mos old anyhow which would mean Thanksgiving time. I am only torn because I love the individualness of the baptism at St Pauls though I know its rare since many churches are to large to do one on whatever date the parents want, it has always been something we have had with St Pauls. However the ceremony and blessings were so awesome at our church that it feels right, its hard though because this will be the first baby that we haven't baptized which means that all the others will have baptism pictures in the same dress etc, though I suppose we could still do pics in the dress/outfit either way. Anyhow I know I am ahead of myself but it's just another thing that I have been thinking about since we are in a new church family. I am doing well baby wise. Nauseous etc so all that is well. No more spotting and all seems calm. I feel good about things and did until the gush but I firmly believe that we are meant to bring this baby home. I haven't had any bad feelings this time which I have had with my m/c's and Hope. I am often praying that God gives me the guidance and opens my heart to hear him in regards to this so there are no surprises but I believe that this baby is meant to be a live baby coming home to live with our family. Continuing to keep the faith.

Appointment today

Well all things considering it went well. They did an ultrasound and at first she couldnt see anything but after checking a few things the tech was able to find a gestational sac that measured 5.1 weeks so a day or two ahead of what I am. She also found fluid on the uterus which would account for the gush. I saw Dr M and she asked me what I thought and I told her until the gush I had felt confident that all was well and we would be bringing home a baby with us alive. She said that was good enough for her. She asked if I was on progesterone which I am and I told her baby aspirin as well. She said it sounds like I am doing everything that I should be and offered rhogham which I agreed was the best idea since if its blood and it crosses the sac it can kill the baby. We also decided to check beta and progesterone. She said as a general rule the progesterone level has been a better indicator of a successful pregnancy then beta. So I went down for the labs and they were supposed to call me as soon as they got them but Dr Dean didn't call. I finally threw in the towel and called him about 8:30 he called me right back and told me the beta was 2800 and progesterone 30.2. My expectations were 1400 and 22 so they exceeded what I was hoping for. Dr Dean wants me to come in later this week but Dr M said I could wait until the 20th. Right now I am leaning towards waiting until the 20th unless something else happens. So please keep praying that our little one continues to grow.

Well

I am not sure how this is going to go. I was sitting down on my laptop last night and all of a sudden I felt very wet, ran to the bathroom and my pj bottoms were soaked in a brown discharge when I wiped I got a ton and when I got in the tub it was enough still to be in the bathtub. I am not sure what it means and I am trying to be hopeful but its hard when you see it knowing generally it isn't a good sign. I am supposed to work tomorrow and Saturday I am calling off for both days. I am not going to go to work in the middle of miscarrying, no job is worth that to me. If they let me go then we will make it. God is our ultimate provider and I know it will be well. I will call my dr's office tomorrow morning and go from there. It's all in his hands in the end. I am prayerful that this pregnancy will continue. Though scared.

John 14:14

If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. What a powerful message. God is so good and his blessings abound. I am so excited about being pregnant. I can't wait for my first ob and scan to see our little one. I just have such a great feeling about this pregnancy and am so happy to have my OB practice for my care. I have so many wonderful friends praying for us and this blessing and I am so thankful for all of them. I can't wait to be able to share with everyone the wonderful news but that is in time. Looking foward to the coming mos. LOL though I keep thinking UGH July! LOL but thats ok I love summer and its not a bad time to have a baby either:) I did have an interesting experience today that reminded me that even with this new blessing on board, I still desperately miss Hope. We were at a birthday function and I heard my MIL talking to my SIL's friend about their upcoming baby in May which is only two mos sooner than I am due and ti was still difficult to hear. I know I am pregnant but losing Hope was such a major thing that happened to us that I realize its still so on the surface of my emotions and feelings. I think its going to be an emotion filled pregnancy. Not that I should expect anything less but it definitely made me realize it even more.

Officially missed my period

Well its official! AF is a no show, not that I didn't expect it since well I have taken a million positive tests. I took the last of the two I have, I know crazy woman. I am so excited, I went to the dr today because I have been having some female issues and we wanted to rule out the usual suspects yeast and UTI, both so far are negative so he said just likely to be early pregnancy female issues, yay me! So my first appt is officially scheduled for Dec 20th the day before our 19th anniversary. I am so excited for it to come. So last official test pics, 14 dpo

13 dpo

My tests are still good, getting stronger so thats a good sign. I am having nausea and a gagging with eating so this could be a fun one. But it's all good, I don't care if I am sicker than a dog as long as we bring home a live, healthy baby. Its all good for sure! I will be calling tomorrow to set up my first appt and ask a couple questions about the back pain I have been having and possible yeast infection. It seems pretty normal at this point. Other than darker tests then with Hope. More test pics of course because I am a POS addict.

OK OK giving in today is 12 dpo

Well by the rules anyhow. I am shocked at how dark the test is today, I think it compares easily to my tests with Hope at 14 or 15 dpo. I am truly going WOAH! I know it may not mean anything but I generally don't test so dark so fast. I will call Friday and schedule my appointment for the eighth week so probably the day before or the day of our 19th anniversary. I am praying that, that turns out to be a wonderful anniversary gift for us. Here is the test from this afternoon.

little update

Darker test this afternoon. still light but definitely darker than this morning.

12 dpo on my book anyhow

So day 12 and I woke up this morning to a bfp. Yep it was positive, now to just watch for it to get darker though I totally expect it will. I have a good feeling about this and all I can do now is put it in God's hands, in the end he is the one who this all belongs too. My baby, my fears and my anxiety. So friends pray for me

11 dpo

Yeah, yeah still waiting, no real encouragment but I have a hard time having much lately. Everyone seems to be pregnant but me. Of course thats how it works though and I am working through all of it, no idea how but I will get through it, but I will.

6 dpo

How do we survive all of this waiting seriously? It is such a battle trying to conceive but one that many of us wage in hopes of being blessed. So 8 more days until AF should be here and 6 more till I can technically test. I am not sure if I will test early this month I say this and always seem to cave but who knows this has been such a rollercoaster month. Working helps but I have to tell you I am getting a little blah with that too. I have so much to do at home that work feels like its interfering and of course to some extent well it is. Praying that it's this month otherwise going to my niece Amanda's wedding starts to get called in to question and not sure if we will be able too, because getting pregnant anytime in the next three months Dec, Jan and Feb kinda nixes the Alaska trip but we won't wait either we both just want to be pg and blessed again.

Letter to Hope- 3 months now

Dear Hope,
Its so hard to believe its been three months since we found out that God called you home and you were gone. Sometimes it feels like an eternity and other days it feels like it was yesterday. I miss you so much my sweet baby girl. You looked like your sisters and I was so excited to see what you would look like. I am sure you would have had dark hair and hazel eyes like Jacob and Evan and well of course your daddy. I couldn't wait to have you here with us and to watch you grow. Instead we mourn your loss. I know that God is taking such good care of you and loving you while I can't. I know he chose me to mother you and I was your perfect mother even if it was for a short time. I am thankful that you grew in me sweet baby girl and you will never be forgotten. Always in my heart, now and forever always.

Love mommy

I believe in miracles

It has been all I have thought today. Our God is an awesome God and there is no question of his power. After my discouragement last night I decided to take an OPK anyhow call it habit, well much to my shock ok not really because the u/s results weren't totally making sense, anyhow I got a :) I was so excited!!!!! Then I got a postive on the clearplan monitor today. I knew it!!!!! I am actually ovulating and on day 14-15 earlier than last month!!!! I do believe in miracles, I do, I do! Here I was told not to hold my breath about ovulating today or tomorrow and look what is happening! I am just in awe, I had been having symptoms of ovulation but thought surely they are right after all they can SEE what is going on. Well apparently not everything because God is definitely in this! Feeling so blessed and praying that this is yet another sign that this might be the month for us to be blessed again. God our father thank you so much for your blessings and steadfast love. AMEN:)

What to say

I guess I should start with I feel so tested right now. I had a "bad" appointment today and according to u/s results I am still some time away from ovulating. Now honestly this is not abnormal for me per se its only day 13 and I often ovulate as late as days 19-21 on clomid but I was really hopeful since I responded so well when I got pregnant with Hope. I was so hopeful that it would be a nice response but again I know that it isn't abnormal but I am still sad. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and bring home a baby. Every day that passes the clock ticks closer to when she would have come home live with us. My heart is heavy and I am trying so hard to cast it off on God but the devil keeps getting in the way. Pray dear friends pray. Pray that things move swiftly and it's not a lost cycle, pray that we do conceive as soon as possible and pray most of all for peace of heart for me. The pain will never go away but it does ease slowly. I am missing her so much today as I go through this when I should be pregnant.

One more person

If one more person tells me guess what I am pregnant I am going to scream. I swear I have been through this before when ttc but obviously not like this and its just not the easiest thing to go through. Of course I am happy for them because I view every baby as a blessing but seriously??? I am trying so hard to take a breath with it all and know God has his perfect timing but sometimes it just well SUCKS!!! Follicle check on Thursday no clue what that will bring. I have a feeling we will be upping the clomid next month I am not responding as well I should be and that is frustrating. Though I have to say my wonderful husband is still a rock and I am so blessed to have him right now, he is my greatest cheerleader and I am so thankful for him