Why?

Why do I torture myself? I am sitting here fighting the urge to figure out how pregnant I should be right now. Why do I want to know? I have no idea. I mean it serves no good that I can think of, other than to hurt myself all over. I still can't believe that this has happened some days. Today is one of them. I want so much to move forward but its so hard when I miss her so much. I realized that there isnt a week that passes that I still don't cry for her. I wanted her so much, I was so excited to have her coming. Now its still just emptiness and sadness and some days its so much worse than others. I am sure my period is a lot of this right now but darn it, if I could turn back time and just treasure her more, well I don't think I could, I was so excited about her coming. Another day over and another one forward