My Birthday

Today is my 39th birthday. Honestly it hasn't been much of a celebration in my eyes. I have spent a lot of the day emotional which I wasn't sure honestly what today would bring. I thought it might be ok at times and at times I thought it might be much like it has been. I was supposed to be celebrating knowing what our baby's gender was. I imagined maybe doing a little baby shopping and sharing in the joy of a growing belly and purchases to come. Instead when Craig asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told him the necklace that I have been looking at as a memorial necklace. There is just something so wrong about this all. I know 39 isn't that old and its somewhat a norm for women now days to still be having babies but I was so excited that I would be half way through my pregnancy and be giving birth in a few short mos just over the 39 mark. Now it will be much closer to 40 or over 40 when our newest one is born its just not how I ever imagined it to be. I ache for this loss and try to remember that I am overall healthy so theres no reason to think that this is a huge thing. I just pray it happens fast and I can hopefully do this still under 40 even if its just barely.