Why this

I figured I would take some time to lay down why blog all of this? I think simple answer is because I forget. I really don't remember much about the time when I was narrowing down #7'S nursings in order to get some fertility back. I do remember by the time I got that first period I was excited because I finally had a chance. At my best estimations not pregnant I could have a period before the end of December but suspect it could be as late as February. I can't even began to express in words how hard the wait is. One of the things that I have done in the last 6 yrs is handed my family size over to God. Now what does that mean to me? It's simple I don't actively try ie no fertility drugs etc and I don't prevent so no b/c at all. What this means emotionally is a LOT of patience. I am not like "normal" women. I do not come by my periods easily or my fertility easily. People always laugh when I say this but let me explain further Our first child took 2 yrs to conceive and was finally the product of fertility drugs. Imagine our shock when we found out I was 9 1/2 wks pregnant with our second child after 2+ yrs( we were very loose with b/c previous to marriage as well, GASP yea I admit it I had sex out of wedlock with my husband, but he is the only one I have ever had sex with so yes a sin but at least I did it with the right person:) ) So finding out I was pregnant with #2 when #1 was only 7 mos old was a whole bundle of emotions wrapped in to one. #3 came almost as fast as #2. I weaned in July and was pregnant by the end of August. So pattern is emerging and I am realizing when I wean I must get a good boost of hormones and get a cycle right after I wean. So now we have 3 boys and I want a girl. Wean #3 and dont get pg right off, next month no, third month we go to clomid and I conceive first round so theres our next little one. I nurse #4 for 15 mos wean and start to try to get pregnant, doesnt happen. We keep trying doesn't happen. Finally try clomid again, nope no baby. See the specialist who decides we should try fertinex an injectable fertility drug, take the classes start the provera to get a period and no period comes, I am assured that it will come it doesnt, Why because I am pregnant with #5. Nurse #5 for 18 mos wean and pregnant the next month. First miscarriage. pregnant five weeks later with #7, pregnancy goes to term nurse him until he is 19 mos heres where I get foggy. I wasn't nursing as much with him at the end of our nursing relationship and I got pregnant, weaned him at that point well within a month , pregnancy ends in M/C 2 mos after I wean. For the first time in a very long time I am cycling consistently, not in a normal time frame but definitely ovulating. So I get pregnant 3 mos after the miscarriage and lose that baby too. 4 mos later I am pregnant for the 10th time and its a sticky bean. Then the fog comes..... Nurse her until she is 16 mos and I am nursing her when I get pg she self weans over not liking her milk anymore. Now your caught up and I have it all down. Not that I needed too but hey it makes me feel better. Now I wait for whatever will happen to happen. Fortunately I am still ok in the age part but it definitely is starting to weigh on my mind. I have a hard time right now remembering to simply BE PATIENT its God's decision and to be faithful in prayer. Waiting......Waiting.......Waiting.........