Seven months....

Its been 7 months today that we found out that our baby girl was no longer with us. The time has just gone by so fast and lately I have struggled a lot with her being gone. Overall I do well but I find the further I get along in this pregnancy the harder it is at times. The fear grips me. I do things that are totally irrational to the average person but make perfect sense to me. I came home Friday night before going to a party driving out of my way because I just HAD to listen to her. The last time I was out at a party pregnant was with Hope and everyone was so excited that I was pregnant but she was already gone. I just need the reassurance. I miss the baby we never got to know. I am so grateful for Gabriella, thrilled to have her but just sad at times.

Today

What can I say but it started off terrible. After a weekend on bad dreams and worries all I could do was continue to talk myself down from the worry. I almost cried on the way to the appt. Then I saw Sharon was my tech and thought I sure hope this is good because poor Sharon always get the bad news appt's for me. Though as I was hanging my purse and coat a wave of peace fell over me. I really knew it was going to be ok. I was so relieved when she put the transducer on to see a beating heart and within minutes bob was all over the place moving like crazy. So much so that it was hard to get any real look at him or her other than a very active baby. We finally got a slight profile. However bob didn't want to show us the goods, and sat with legs crossed. I am looking foward to the next appt and finding out what we are having. I can't wait to know officially. Still thinking were having a boy though I would be beyond thrilled to be having another little girl. In the end though I just want a live baby to come home with us. i also got my doppler today and am so relieved to have it, at first I couldnt really get a hb but tonight I did a beautiful strong 156 bpm. What a beautiful sound! Oh lastly I did find out that the due date they are going by is July 27th. I will take it LOL 3 days sooner works for me!

Sigh

I hate the second week between ultrasounds, no matter how much rationally I know things are ok, I still manage to start to freak out. Fortunately, I can talk myself down pretty much every time but it's still stressful. So Monday is the next u/s. Which will be the point that Hope died, which I suspect is why this week has been even more anxiety filled then normal. I can't wait until I can actually feel movement. Though honestly even that brings another worry, the times when I don't feel movement. Such a rollercoaster ride, but one I am thankful to be given the opportunity to ride.

Wonderful appointment

Well Monday I had my sequential screening u/s and the baby looked really great. The nuchal measurement was within normal range by a great number and bob is growing really well. I am still a bit nervous but truly starting to feel confident that this baby is coming home with us alive and healthy. Still not totally sure what we are having but my girl feelings are starting to slide to boy, we will know soon enough, I am still having mixed feelings about a boy but I will take whatever God gives us. I am starting to fall back in to God's decision and that makes me feel good its another step in healing. Here is Bob at 12 wks 2 days by my calculations, LOL I think next time I will ask for an official what date should I be using due date?

steps, little steps

I was looking at my waiting blog and boy that hurt a little. I am getting closer to being able to archive it and say another good bye. Restarting waiting has been weighing on my mind a lot. This part of my blog has so much to it and so much of my pain and it's going to be hard to start freash. The fact is though, this blog has a bigger life to take on then just mine, Hope's or even Bob's. This is the foundation for what is to come with Beyond Hope the organization. I am still working on finding what I need to do to get this ball moving but once I am not working it is going to be one of the high priority items on my list. I think this is so important and losing Hope has truly brought me to the need to help so I need to get that moving so I can help other women who are going through what I went through. I feel called to do this and I pray that God gives me the wisdom and guidance to be a light to someone else in their time of darkness and loss.